


Recipe for Resentment

by RoleplayFanfics



Series: Recipe for Circumstances [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Severus Snape, Bisexual Sirius Black, Death Eaters, Emotional story with a sort of happy ending, F/M, Gay Severus Snape, Good Severus Snape, Heavy Emotions, It could be worse???, M/M, Marauders, Not per say an unhappy ending????, Optimistic Ending Probably???????, POV Severus Snape, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Same story different POV, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Sirius Black being a disaster bisexual, Sirius Black being a shithead, Snape researching werewolves, The sequel is happier don't worry, Werewolf, Werewolf Reveal, Young James Potter, Young Lily Evans - Freeform, Young Peter Pettigrew, Young Remus Lupin, Young Severus Snape, Young Sirius Black, different POV, lycanthropy, werewolf cure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-07-25 18:43:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20030557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoleplayFanfics/pseuds/RoleplayFanfics
Summary: Severus looked up, only to find the sorry sight of the other curling up and hiding. Surprise clearly hit him, and he breathed out of his nose fast enough to let out yet another displeased snort. “You’re sorry? Is that… did you just say you were sorry?”  He must have misheard the other, it wasn’t just that the little group of Gryffindors had terrorized him since the beginning of his Hogwarts days, but this once, the other didn’t have anything to apologise for, nothing had been Lupin’s fault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, Teddy gave me this challenge to write Severus Snape's point of view in Recipe for Sympathy, and the story contains a few secrets and circumstances which Recipe for Sympathy never addressed. 
> 
> This one actually does begin in the characters' school years, and will by no means be as long as Recipe for Sympathy.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it! - Nathan
> 
> ( Post edit: 'Not by any means be as long' I said, as I proceeded to write only 5 pages less than the first story... ops.  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Being jealous of what others had was one of the most foolish things one could be. Having been born less fortunate than many others, Severus had since long had to learn to accept that he would, in fact, never have all of the things which others had. Jealousy was tiring, it never lead to actually gaining any of which one desired, and it generally gave people a good reason to find further dislike for one’s person. Had he been jealous of just everything he couldn’t have, he probably wouldn’t be, standing, walking, and functioning like a decently normal teenage wizard should.  
  
Jealousy was egocentric, a lesser wizard might be the fool who would believe the world to work against him, if nothing ever truly turned in his favour. Severus considered himself far better than that, he accepted the fact that he wasn’t special and important enough to consider himself above being treated badly. However, the fault didn’t lie with him, it lay with the people treating him awfully. He was not jealous of them, he couldn’t possibly imagine it being a good position to be in to be the bully, rather than bullied; it required quite a bit of socializing which he would not waste his energy on.  
  
The young Slytherin had just recently returned from a near painful and dragged out conversation with the school Headmaster, the man known as Professor Albus Dumbledore. It wasn’t that he resented the man, not as much as he would tire of many other teachers and students inhabiting Hogwarts, but said man had managed to sound as if he considered Severus a mere petty child, and the conversation had been far too dragged out for it to be any pleasant.  
  
He had been put in a difficult position, and he damn well did not need his Headmaster to explain the difficult position for him to understand it. It felt like a cruel mockery of his intellect; of-bloody-course he understood that the Gryffindor student known as Remus Lupin wasn’t in any way responsible for all which had happened, the other day. Of course, it was equally unfair towards the apparently werewolf to lose all of his hopes for a good education and stable life, and Severus had been put in a position where he could prevent it.  
  
It had been a long few last nights.

He wanted Sirius Black to suffer, he wanted him expelled. It wasn’t as much ill-will as it was clear to him that the Gryffindor was a danger hazard to everyone at school, Severus should have the bloody right to consider his safety and well-being priority to someone who only had being expelled coming for him sooner or later. Severus wasn't the slightest bit surprised that the boy had gone to far, given the fact that he very much considered him a psychopath, if nothing else because of the boy's lack of morals and common sense.

The problem was Remus Lupin. Black would not go down without dragging his friend with him; quite the admirable friendship there…  
  
Severus let out a frustrated sigh, as he sat down onto his bed, very glad that the scratches and wounds from that horrid night had been mostly healed, even if all the injuries were minor, and more about Potter dragging him out of the Shrieking Shack than from any werewolf related issue. He leaned forward just enough to feel somewhat safe and hidden behind his black hair, and stared down at his own knees. The worst layers of shock, from a near death experience, had settled over a day or so; he could still hardly believe the absurdity of it all. Right then, he felt mortified with having been saved by James Potter, who did not need yet another claim to act as if he was above everyone else, his ego spilled over the edges far enough already. 

He had agreed to keep it all a secret. He had been very tempted to let Black face the true consequences of his behaviour, it wasn’t even childish anymore, what was left was dangerously immoral. Still, he hardly believed the fact that such a cruel person would be all too affected by the consequences of ruining the life of his friend.

Perhaps, in a sense, it felt like a little bit of a victory to know that he was far better than any of Black’s little friend group could ever hope to be. He didn’t need the claim of fame, he’d rather not have to deal with anyone, but it made him feel better about himself to know that all which those boys were saying about him was not even a little bit true. 

With another frustrated sigh, he prepared for heading to sleep, only to find that once he was safely shielded under the blanket, he could not sleep. It wasn’t far too unusual that he would lay awake late at night, thinking in silence, yet this was different.  
  
Remus Lupin was a werewolf… Severus could only begin to imagine what it must be like, and then, only in terms of suffering in societal level. He found, rather quickly, that he was nearly insatiably curious to what the condition itself would be like. Furthermore, it explained why the awkwardly tall Gryffindor tended to have minor wounds now and then; Severus had noticed, he simply never paid it any visible attention. It might even explain why Lupin, despite seemingly being intellectual, at least in class, was spending his time with bullies who took every given chance they had to break the rules, preferably on the expense of others. Perhaps the werewolf would indeed had learnt better, after such an experience with his so called friends.  
  
He remained awake rather long that evening, only to find that he wasn’t especially scared of the idea of having a werewolf in their midst, he was far more curious about having an actual specimen of lycanthropy at the school. 

He also realised that he could not tell his friend, his only real friend, Lily, about the issue. It wasn’t so much about him not trusting his childhood friend, and he did want to tell her, warn her even, since Potter and Black could never leave her alone; he realised the fact that the girl’s strong sense of moral would lead her to force the truth out in the open, even if he would ask her not to. 

He couldn’t say he looked forward to seeing Black or anyone the upcoming days, but he wouldn’t miss lectures, he’d never waste the opportunities which he could have and achieve.  
  
He really wasn’t jealous of Lupin, or his friends, there wasn’t anything to be jealous of.  
  
\-----

For a while, it seemed like Black had decided to leave him alone, probably because he would get in far too much trouble on short notice. School progressed forwards strangely normally, seeing the fact that he could have been dead just days ago, or infected with a serious life-ruining disease.  
  


He had decided to look for a little reading material on lycanthropy in the library; if there was something which caught his attention, he’d read up on it instead of having it spin around in his head, without any answers. The young Slytherin hadn’t imagined that he’d find the source of his curiosity alone in the library; a lone werewolf.  
  
He nearly wanted to slap himself, realising rather immediately that he felt an urge to go speak to the other.

Still, Lupin had nearly killed someone the other day, and well, he supposed it was an extreme enough scenario to let the other know that there weren’t any hard feelings between the two of them. Well, not more than usual, he didn’t particularly like Lupin or Pettigrew. Severus didn’t give people much credit to begin with, and seeing they seemed little more than goons for the more popular two of their little friend group, he had no reason to give them credit for, well, anything.  
  
He sighed, involuntarily snorted, and gave into his impulses, he’d rather find out where he was standing with the other, than wonder about it. He thought he was walking over rather effortlessly, and not very strained in any particular way, but in reality, he was very nervous that he’d have to run into Black or Potter, and well, nervous about speaking to the other.  
  
“Can I… sit down?” Now on second thought, when he was standing in front of the other, he felt very uncomfortable, but it was a little late to regret his choice. He wasn’t good with people, but most of all, people weren’t good with him. A more general fear of rejection rose within his chest too, one he usually managed to force down, seeing he had accepted that he would face a lot of rejection; he was probably a little more shaken than he’d like to admit.

“Ah… Snape, alright…” Lupin answered, at least without any longer silences. 

Severus couldn’t help but to feel like the response was strained, but had to remind himself that the other had an actual reason to be nervous around him. The other was giving a very neutral response, so very neutral that the Slytherin student couldn’t help but to look around once, and make sure that the other was alone. He would rather not be tricked into a trap by Black and Potter. He tried not to let it show how very nervous he felt; apparently, it didn’t work, because Lupin spoke up again.  
  
“I’m alone today,” he stated, which in itself was a relief, but there was no way that Severus would simply believe him, he felt uncomfortable still. Even more so, it felt rather embarrassing that the other acknowledged his fear to be in the same space as the friends of the Gryffindor. He felt his pulse rise, ever so slightly, even if he wanted to believe the words of the other, he couldn’t.  
  
“...I changed my mind, can we… talk outside?” 

The Gryffindor didn’t look convinced, but then gave in: “...Alright, you want to talk? I...suppose that is fair.” Yes, yes it was. It was the least the werewolf could do after the danger Severus had been through. He didn’t state any of it out loud.  
  
He rather quickly realised that he wanted to be out of eye and ear range for mostly everyone, and therefore it became more of a walk than he had originally intended; at least Lupin didn’t complain about it or change his mind. He… felt very uncomfortable in the presence of the other. Even more so as he was thinking about the fact that he hadn’t quite made up a plan of what he wanted to get out of the conversation, or say to the other. It was something he generally did to avoid awkward conversation with most people, he planned ahead before approaching them. He honestly had no idea what to say to the other.  
  
When they got near the lake, Severus realised that he was probably prolonging talking and dragging the walk out too much, hence, he decided to sit down at the first decent sitting spot he could find, which happened to be a set of rocks. He gestured towards Lupin to sit down, and he put the book he had gotten himself in the library in his lap. It was a book about magical diseases, seeing it had been his original intent in going to the library. 

Now there they were… what did he actually want to talk about with the other? Mn, that was harder than he had imagined. Even when he was rather positive he was alone with the other, he couldn’t shake the feeling of discomfort, he far too strongly associated the tall teenager with his friends. He had to say something…

“I never really paid that much attention to you,” he started, which was a truth, Lupin was just that one tall person standing behind the two loud bullies. “Of course, I know you, and I can’t say I like you or Pettigrew. I did think something was off with you, but I kind of thought…” It had made sense until then that Lupin, being sick with such a dangerous magical disease, would not have many options of friends who weren’t reckless and bordering on insanity. 

“You thought what?” Lupin did not sound happy with that.  
  
Severus swallowed, as he realised that it was probably not the best direction of the conversation, but it was too late for regrets. 

“...I don’t know, I… thought someone was… beating you.” It had made sense to him last night, but saying it out loud didn’t sound as thought over as he would have hoped. From his knowledge, Lupin had minor wounds and scratches very often, the wounds could be self-inflicted, inflicted by the enemy, or the so called friends he had. Black was clearly willing to ruin his friends life permanently for a joke. 

He wanted to let out a sound of disapproval at the look on the Gryffindor student’s face. It shouldn’t be that much of a surprise that someone would think he was being hurt, or hurting himself; he was wounded at least once a month.

“You thought somebody was hurting me… who?” Lupin really seemed baffled by the whole notion, and Severus let out an involuntary snort of disapproval. It was slightly astounding that the werewolf didn’t seem to have considered what his circumstances looked like from the outside. It caused a very bad feeling to grow within him; if Lupin hadn’t considered it at all, he would most likely be very offended at any notion of what the Slytherin said right then. It made Severus… uncomfortable enough to glance away and then decide that he didn’t want to have the conversation. “I… don’t know.” 

He avoided looking at the other, which made him all the less prepared for the next words.  
“They are my _ friends_, Snape. They wouldn’t hurt me.” He hadn’t particularly been only thinking of the Gryffindor student’s so called friends, even if they had been on the list of suspects. Still, for a moment he felt anger and upset sear up inside him.  
  
“Friends!” He repeated, drawing such a short breath that he accidentally let out another snort. What bloody imbecile called someone who nearly had them kill against their own will friend. What level of idiot did one have to be to excuse such behaviour. He very much hated idiots, but still, he felt sympathy for the other, for the betrayal Lupin’s friends had shown him, and for the sorry teenager to keep on clinging to them. “Your _ friend _ Black almost made you a bloody murderer! How is that being a friend?” 

“He…” Lupin was caught off guard, but he still tried to respond to the other teenager. “It… nothing like that happened… He didn’t mean to do anything like that.”

“Oh, he simply wanted you to see me and… do what? Infect me? Kill me? He is supposedly more clever than to believe you would not catch scent of me after a while?” Severus turned away from the other, feeling a chill run down his spine. He didn’t like people seeing him upset, or too many of his feelings. Anger was fine, people always showed anger, always took anger out over others. He did not want to let the teenage werewolf see how scared he had been, how much the memory frightened him, especially so since the teenager himself didn’t scare Severus in the slightest. 

“I...I’m sorry.” 

Severus looked up, only to find the sorry sight of the other curling up and hiding. Surprise clearly hit him, and he breathed out of his nose fast enough to let out yet another displeased snort. “You’re sorry? Is that… did you just say you were sorry?” He must have misheard the other, it wasn’t just that the little group of Gryffindors had terrorized him since the beginning of his Hogwarts days, but this once the other didn’t have anything to apologise for, nothing had been Lupin’s fault. 

“Of course I am… I am, I could have made you into, well… a monster.” Lupin pulled his legs up to his chest, staring out over the waters as he hugged them. “Death would… have been preferable to… ending up like me.” 

The situation shifted very quickly, because a revelation dawned upon Severus. Lupin wasn’t sorry for the prank, he was apologising for his very existence. He looked away, not certain how to handle such a revelation. Maybe… Maybe he was being too harsh on the tall teenager.  
  
Black and Potter had made his life a misery ever since he arrived at Hogwarts, it was as if Sirius Black had made it his sole purpose to hurt him. Severus couldn’t possibly excuse all of the danger he had been put in, all of the physical and mental, well, damned near torture the others were so eager to provide. He would never want to admit to the fact that he was scared of them, ever, to anyone, but deep within, he knew that he was terrified. Who wouldn’t be terrified when a psychotic person like Black would appear out of nowhere, with only the intent to harm. Lupin had always been there, always just ignored, just watched, usually not taking part in anything, but he had let it happen. Severus had probably resented him more for such a thing than he wanted to tell himself.  
  
What if Remus Lupin had never really had a choice. What if he was stuck with those psychopaths and sadists due to sheer necessity; if he was so very sorry for existing, perhaps he wasn’t aware of the fact that he deserved better, perhaps he didn’t believe he could have better; Severus could relate to the latter. 

He sighed, audibly. He had a lot to think about, and didn’t want to stay, still, he wasn’t done. “Then why are you still protecting Black?” He finally inquired. “You just now stated that it is better to be dead than to be a werewolf, and you still try to say that Black’s actions were justifiable?” 

Their eyes met, and the Gryffindor student looked miserable on entirely new levels; “it’s not...nothing happened. Please, you won’t be able to turn me against him by acting as if he is some sort of antagonist.” 

The answer only made Severus even more certain that the student was purely out of options in fear of himself. He picked up his book and stood up, he was definitely done there; “Fine. If that is the way you want it.” It was miserable to a near ridiculous level, but it was not his problem.  
  
He began walking away. Still, he heard quick footsteps behind him and turned quickly, his heart skipping a beat. It was a trained reaction, he never knew when someone was out to hurt him.  
  
Still, the other wasn’t trying to reach after him, and there was no wand in sight, thus, he visibly relaxed. Lupin looked all the more distressed, however, as he spoke, “Wait, wait, you… you won’t tell anyone about me, right? I know you hate my friends but don’t use me to hurt them, please?”

  
An unfamiliar feeling hit him, one akin to… well, pride. It made it easier to look the other in the eyes one last time; “I’m not so cruel as to try and use your misfortune to hurt someone I don’t like.”  
  
With that he left the other, to head back to the castle grounds, feeling a strange mix of emotions he wasn’t certain how to make sense of. Hopefully, that would be the end of their interactions with one another.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To great distaste and disapproval, Severus found that he couldn’t quite shake the curiosity and notion of the Gryffindor student being a werewolf. It wasn’t a worry, per say, it was more like an uncomfortable awareness of the other’s suffering. If the Slytherin had ever considered himself unfortunate, he knew it compared as little to nothing with someone that had been turned into a monster. If anything, it fueled curiosity for the condition itself. To great annoyance, it seemed that little to no research had been conducted on werewolves. He searched in book after book, even went as far as going through older scrolls and translating some works in other languages, yet to no avail. How could the condition have existed for so long in history, without anyone trying to do something about it, properly. At last, he resigned to go look for the Gryffindor boy again; Lupin was clearly feeling guilty about the whole situation from before, and Severus bet he could use that properly to get the information he wanted.

To great distaste and disapproval, Severus found that he couldn’t quite shake the curiosity and notion of the Gryffindor student being a werewolf. It wasn’t a worry, per say, it was more like an uncomfortable awareness of the other’s suffering. If the Slytherin had ever considered himself unfortunate, he knew it compared as little to nothing with someone that had been turned into a monster. If anything, it fueled curiosity for the condition itself. To great annoyance, it seemed that little to no research had been conducted on werewolves. He searched in book after book, even went as far as going through older scrolls and translating some works in other languages, yet to no avail. How could the condition have existed for so long in history, without anyone trying to do something about it, properly. At last, he resigned to go look for the Gryffindor boy again; Lupin was clearly feeling guilty about the whole situation from before, and Severus bet he could use that properly to get the information he wanted.  
  
Searching for a student in Hogwarts was difficult at best, and impossible at worst. There castle grounds were enormous and there were so many students. What made it all the more difficult was the fact that he didn’t exactly want to ask around. It took more than one day to catch the other without bothersome people around him. Severus once more found the other in the library, after class, only to notice, upon approaching that the other wasn’t alone at all. Mh… he really did not like Pettigrew. Something was off about that boy, but it was hard to put a finger on it. If nothing else, Severus considered him a complete and utter fool, seeing that he wasn’t bright, and stuck around a lunatic that borderline abused the frail boy, at times. Black didn’t treat Pettigrew anywhere near as badly or dangerously as he tried to hurt Severus, at least to the Slytherin’s knowledge, but it was still enough for him to question the boy’s sanity.  
  
He was about to turn and walk away when he heard Lupin state something out loud: “Advanced Potion Making: Volume 14, Deep sea ingredients.” 

He wasn’t a fool himself, he quickly caught onto what the other was doing, and seized the chance as quickly as it came. Watching Pettigrew run away, luckily not noticing him, he took a deep breath and convinced himself that he wasn’t nervous to speak to the other. The sight before him and Lupin’s little trick only served as even more evidence towards Severus’s new theory: Lupin seemed stuck with his friends, rather than wanting to be with them. He wasn’t planning on doing anything about it, it was simply an observation.  
  
He sat down in front of the other, and rather immediately spoke up, “The deep sea potion making book is volume four.” Thus, he proved that he had caught into the other’s little trick, without saying much about it, or showing too much investment; he had no idea why he felt the need to clarify it, maybe he just wanted to see the other’s reaction. 

“...Oh, it is?” Remus returned to writing, apparently deciding to play innocent, but he looked very embarrassed. The Gryffindor student didn’t seem to be a particularly good actor or liar. It felt… good in a sense to know he could read the other, and that he had the upper hand.  
  
“Yes. Also, you have all the volumes you need in front of you. The advanced ones aren’t necessary for this level of potion making.” He stated, moving one hand up to remove some of his hair from his face. It was something Severus only did when he was comfortable, and it felt rather good to watch the other squirm slightly in embarrassment, there was no harm in enjoying it a little. 

“...I… thought it might be best to check against a more advanced source to measure the correct amount of Luminous Seaweed needed for the Bollyart plant growth extract.” The werewolf was avoiding to look at him now, and it was getting more and more interesting. He rarely had the chance to tease anyone who wasn’t Lily Evans, and she was… naive, and not always the brightest. In short, while she was a dear and important friend she could narrow herself down a thought trail far too quickly, and while intelligent, she wasn’t very wise. Since Lupin was keeping the charade up, he continued as well.  
  
“Mhn.” He made sure to sound very unconvinced of the other’s words. 

“Did you… want something?” Remus almost snapped at him, but he managed to hold back somewhat it seemed.

“Yes, actually.” He looked around and then leaned in a bit, making sure that only the werewolf would hear him speak.“I wanted to ask you something; if none of your friends are responsible, why do you have so many scars on your body? How come you are sometimes walking as if your legs are hurting?” It had puzzled him a lot when he was stuck thinking of lycanthropy. 

The werewolf flinched slightly, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. “I… I am not sure I…” 

“Sure you aren’t.” Severus made sure to give him no mercy in pointing out the lie that was about to be uttered.

The feeling of superiority didn’t last very long, because Lupin curled together on his chair, once more looking positively miserable. Annoyingly enough, it made Severus feel a little bad, even if that was absolutely ridiculous, he didn’t care about Lupin. Finally the other started to speak; “If you… absolutely have to know…” he began. “It’s… There are a lot of strong urges, battling against each other inside me when… That happens. I can’t leave the house, and breaking things isn’t enough to calm it down. It is… just… When I do it, when I feel pain, it makes it easier to remember what it’s like when I am… not like that. Pain calls me back to, well… being me.”

That was… sad. He tried to focus on the science of what the other was describing about the condition; it was the whole reason he had asked in the first place, not for some sort of sob story.

He was about to ask for more details when he heard a loud thud beside him on the table, finding that Pettigrew had returned. He involuntarily tensed up, immediately, and realised that he would have to ask another time. Their eyes met once, and he could see the confusion and discomfort in the eyes of Pettigrew. It… hurt. One thing was the bullies, they were doing things towards him intentionally, but it seemed to him as if Pettigrew was convinced of every bad word that had been mouthed against Severus ever. He shouldn’t let it bother him, he got up and left, as quickly as he could without seeming like he was running away.  
  
\-----

His quest for finding out more things about werewolves continued, but the answer to almost all his questions remained all the same: he would very likely only get proper information out of the actual teenage werewolf. Like many other things, he wanted to truly understand the condition, and the less information he found, the more determined he was to find out more. Luckily, opportunity presented itself again, very soon. He just would have preferred it if the opportunity hadn’t snuck upon him on its own, when he was the least prepared for it.  
  
He had been reading alone, in a place that neither his bullies nor anyone else had managed to spot or find so far; he was being extraordinarily careful in making certain no one was following or watching him as he found his way to his hidden little getaway of blushes at the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest.  
  
Hence, it was a rather startling surprise to suddenly hear noises of something moving in the bushes around. He would have expected an animal, and perhaps he wasn’t too far away from the truth; he just hadn’t expected to see the face of the Gryffindor student. An uncomfortable shiver ran down his spine, and his mind was very quickly overtaken by dread, dread and a bit of fear. He had found a single spot on the school grounds where people would leave him alone, where he wasn’t at risk of being attacked, when he didn’t have to fear for his safety, he feared it having been ruined.  
  
“How did you find me? Are you alone?” He demanded immediately, hopefully not sound as scared as he actually was. His hand had found its way to a grip over the sleeve where his wand was hidden. He did not feel safe in the slightest, and gripping the wand was the only answer he had to feeling threatened.  
  
Lupin looked rather taken aback, and at least not threatening or acting innocent, hopefully. Severus knew well to not trust the other, and he had no real reason to, aside from the little he had seen of the other actually feeling guilty about nearly harming him; anyone would feel guilty about actual murder though, it didn’t do much of a difference.  
  
After a moment’s hesitation, the other student finally voiced that he was alone, but he said something incredibly curious. “I… I followed your scent. And yes, I’m alone.”  
  
Severus would likely have been stricken with relief, but instead his mind focused on something entirely different, something way more fascinating; “You… can do that, even like this?” Nothing in any of the books he had looked through said anything about changes that occurred in a non-lycan state. That was beyond curious, and far too fascinating to not ask more about. 

Despite the fact that he was intruding, the teenager werewolf sat down on a rock, and curled together in that miserable way of his. “Yes. I have far better hearing, and a better sense of smell than... normal people seem to have.”

Severus leaned forward just a little, keeping his eyes on the Gryffindor. “Truly? What...else is different for you?” 

The werewolf hesitated. “Why do you want to know?”

That was… he didn’t want to admit just how curious he was about the condition itself, or having a live specimen with the condition. His mind quickly searched for an excuse that would be suitable, and realized that since the other seemed like a fairly miserable person, he could probably excuse himself with caring, which was… a little unusual for himself. “You clearly have a need to talk about it, and none of your friends care to listen.” Caring was for fools that would eventually get hurt, only Lily had ever proven herself to be worth the bother.

“That isn’t true.”

“Then why do you come to talk to me so much?” It sort of slipped out before he really had time to think the words through.  
  
“I don’t.” The other teeanger denied, and his voice nearly turned into a… growl? He would be more frightened if he wasn’t so fascinated by the beastly sound in a human being. “You have been the one coming to me, and then you didn’t tell me what you actually wanted with the question I answered yesterday.” Mn, that was not what he wanted to hear. His immediate reaction was to wanting to fiercely deny it, but he didn’t believe the other would let it go just like that, instead, he opted for avoiding the statement and focusing on something else.  
  
“Mh. I… guess I didn’t.” He could answer the question, he supposed; he was already uncomfortable with the other but to some degree, he would probably have to give to be allowed to take the information he wanted. Still, it was embarrassing to express interest in someone, and all the more frightening. 

They were both silent for a bit, until Lupin spoke. “So why did you want to know? Why are you… asking so much? You said you weren’t going to use this against me so… why?” 

It seemed that Severus had managed to ensnare himself a bit, and decided, against better judgement, to simply be honest. He sighed and spoke up: “Pages 63 to 65. That is three pages. Solely devoted to lycanthropy.” He was frustrated about the matter, and his frustration probably showed in his voice and expression.  
  
He handed the book over to the Gryffindor student to show the pages, only to have the other ask an impossibly stupid question, “Have you been reading the same three pages for… two days?”  
  
Severus scoffed. “What sort of imbecile would consider to read the same three pages for two days straight; no, I wasn’t only reading about werewolves.” He took the book back from the other teenager, only to close it again. “None of the books I have consulted describe anything about what it’s like to live with the condition. They all boldly state that there is no cure, and nothing can be done about it.” 

  
His interests were, after all, purely academic. He didn’t care about Remus Lupin, or at least so he kept on telling himself, despite his conscience fighting back with how much a werewolf child had to be suffering. It wasn’t like he wanted to, like he could, do anything about it, not really. He was mentally slapping himself for considering any sort of resemblance and understanding with the tall shadow of his bullies.  
  
The werewolf let out a borderline silent laugh, placing his head on his knees as he looked at the Slytherin. “What would I do without you telling me these things?” Sarcasm, how very unappealing and rude for someone who had asked the stupid question. It made Severus seem like the stupid party, which he certainly wasn’t.  
  
“I didn’t mean to make you upset, sorry.”  
  
Huh? What in Merlin’s name was that supposed to mean? “I am not upset,” Severus answered.  
  
The other student followed up with no words, but rather tapped a finger to his own nose, and Severus followed up in an instant, eyes widening ever so slightly in surprise. “You mean to say you can smell what I am feeling?” That thought was… uncomfortable. He rarely felt things that were very pleasant, and he very much did not like the idea of the other being able to pry on his thoughts and feelings.  
  
“That… is a rather strong way of putting it,” Lupin responded, “it’s not exactly correct, but not exactly wrong. Emotions cause different reactions in the body too, not purely in the mind. I think it has more to do with my nose reacting to those scents. Over the years, I’ve pierced together what most of those scents mean.” 

… Alright, that was fairly interesting, very much so, in fact. He forgot himself for a moment, back to soaking up the information he was hearing. “That’s… interesting. What else is different for you?”  
  
“Uh…” The werewolf seemed to think it over. “I find it very hard to concentrate sometimes. When there are a lot of things going on, a lot of people passing, or many strong scents. If, say… Peter is playing with his cards beside me when I am studying, I can’t focus on the work I am trying to do.” 

“So, improved hearing, improved sense of smell; you can ‘smell’ people’s moods. I have noticed that you growled before, does it happen often?” He didn’t hesitate for a moment, now that the other was finally speaking up about the details. 

“What...I did?” The other teenager was clearly embarrassed by the notion. “No, it happens, but not often. I can… usually control it.” 

“Do you have mood swings?” It seemed a reasonable conclusion given the other’s lack of control. 

“Sometimes, but I think every teenager does. It… tends to get very hard for me to ignore or suppress urges. It gets worse the closer it is to a full moon. ” 

“Elaborate.” He immediately demanded.  
  
“I… I would rather not.” Lupin avoided his eyes, and frustrating as it was, it wasn’t like he could think of any immediate leverage against the other that would make him tell what he was hiding. No, he’d rather not, he could only imagine what it would feel like if someone did that towards his own self, especially about a subject so very sensitive. 

He opted for changing the topic instead, well, not changing it as much as he let the other slip by without answering the last question. “Frankly, it does sound like, well… a dog. Most of those behaviors and traits seem to be shared with any other canine.” 

Apparently that comment caused quite the reaction; Severus wanted to scoff at the other to not stare at him like that, and to close the mouth before flies would enter. He forced himself to not look away from the other, looking unimpressed and somewhat irritated. He didn’t expect the response he got.

The werewolf let out a chuckle which Severus once more could only describe as miserable, like someone laughing at their own misfortune. Perhaps a bit like someone who had been insulted as well. “I don’t think you can compare a werewolf to any other canine…” He smiled, but it didn’t look in any way cheerful. “But… I guess that was a kind of nice thought. Thank you for, well, trying.” 

This time the Slytherin student actually scoffed. He hadn’t tried anything, and the assumption was very faulty, and rude, because it implied that he would tell half lies for sake of the other’s comfort. He wasn’t trying to in any way cheer the other up, or pretend his issues weren’t there, only a fool would do such a thing. Matter of fact still remained; Remus Lupin was describing canine behaviours, that seemed to be a side effect of the disease. He felt insulted that the other was insulting his intellect in such ways, while in reality, he was simply so used to people speaking with him mostly to insult him, that he had ended up more and more sensitive over the years.“I _ know _ they are not the same, but the behaviors sound similar enough to be compared.”

“You saw me, you saw what the beast looked like…”  
  
Ah, so it wasn’t an insult as much as Lupin being an idiot all on his own, Severus certainly could get behind that, it made more sense. That was such a stupid way of thinking. A human being wouldn’t automatically turn into a monster on everyday basis due to being sick with lycanthropy, it was a one day a month phenomenon, once a month. What a foolish way to think.  
  
“But you aren’t the beast all the time, are you?” He pointed out, his tone of voice somewhat berating of the other. It clearly silenced the other. Severus didn’t feel any sense of superiority for winning the supposed argument, instead he felt more and more uncomfortable again. He wasn’t enjoying being alone with someone he didn’t trust, someone so very emotional. Thus, he distracted himself by reopening the book. “I don’t have time to argue with you, if you don’t have anything else to say, you can leave.” That wasn’t entirely true, given the fact that he wasn’t studying for schoolwork, right then.  
  
“Alright.”

… …

Like an expectant or clingy mutt, the dog-like teenager stayed for longer. Severus did his best to ignore the other, the attention felt alien. Finally the other got up and was going to leave him be.  
  
He had found that he couldn’t quite focus on the text in the book, and heaved out yet another heavy sigh, before he looked after the other: “Dittany. It can cure shallow wounds. Not that you seem capable of harming yourself in a fashion close to shallow, but you can always chew some if you manage to not tear yourself apart.” He made sure to have turned his attention back to his book before the other looked back at him.  
  
“Dittany. Thank you.”

Severus only responded with a nod. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...How wonderful. Now I have to find a new place to be alone in…” He nearly spat out, not minding to show how displeased he was with the development. Before thinking too much about it, he got up and was about to leave. 
> 
> Lupin called out after him, immediately. “Oh, n… No, it’s your place. I should leave. Could I… talk to you for a bit? I don’t mean to impose but…”

Unbeknownst to Severus, the teenage werewolf got into trouble for having spoken to him at all. He himself continued on as normally. Normal was, of course, being targeted by Black and Potter on occasion, but luckily he hadn’t been entirely alone, the last time. 

As per usual, Remus Lupin had been standing in the background, doing absolutely nothing to warrant a change when Black and Potter targeted him. Severus didn’t fault him so much for not getting involved, he would not risk himself for others’ misfortunes either, but it was all the more jarring to know that the werewolf spent nearly every awaken hour in his little friend group. It made it difficult to have sympathy for the other; yet, there was the nagging thought in the back of his mind, reminding him that maybe the werewolf really didn’t believe himself to have that much of a choice. If he was so much like a dog, he might not handle the solitude which Severus had grown accustomed to.   
  
Severus wasn’t very well liked, never had been. He wasn’t trying very hard to be liked, but he hadn’t done anything to warrant such strong dislike. He didn’t like spending too much time around his one and only real friend; Lily always had to somehow bother with something because of him, when he spent time around her, whether it was defending him, or having her friend being displeased by his company. It had been years; he had learnt to swallow down the hurt and confusion when people acted as if he was that unwanted and unpleasant, he had stopped trying to understand it anymore. He didn’t want to believe that it was because of himself being that unpleasant of a person, but like any other human being, he was becoming more and more solitary, scornful and unpleasant; in the end, people sooner or later become more like what others told them to be, if they were told they were something enough times. He was well aware that he had Lily Evans to thank for not completely hating his own existence; still, their friendship was needlessly complicated, because he didn’t want to drag her into everything bad he was experiencing. 

Hence, it was far safer to remain alone, where no one could find him. He had put the lycanthrophy aside a little bit, but it didn’t stop bugging him. The wizarding world tended to be filled with idiots, narrow-minded idiots. Not to mention that people, muggles or wizards, tended to be stupidly selfish. It never stopped nagging him that there was no cure, or more of, that the books seemed to state that there would never be a cure. That was preposterous. There was no spell that was completely impossible, probably, and most of all, it was simply a condition which people didn’t generally study. Werewolves were solitary, keeping it a secret or staying with one another, at least to his own knowledge. There was a lack of research, but that didn’t mean it was completely incurable. It just meant that no one had tried.   
  
Still, he shouldn’t focus too hard on it, it wasn’t his problem. He had schoolwork to study, and still had to decide upon what essay he wanted to write, at the end of this year. There was one big essay project that each student had to choose a topic for. There were plenty of time left to decide, yet, he didn’t like waiting to last second, and wouldn’t want to put himself into the very position most of the other students would find themselves in, he was, although he wouldn’t admit it, a little too neurotic for that. 

He had located himself in his secret bush grotto, but was suddenly interrupted by noises again. It startled him, truly, and he could not say that he appreciated seeing the teenage werewolf’s face emerge from behind the leaves. Having been targeted by Black and Potter again earlier that very day, it had once more reminded him that he didn’t trust Lupin in the slightest. He had convinced himself that it didn’t hurt, he didn’t even properly know Lupin.   
  
“...How wonderful. Now I have to find a new place to be alone in…” He nearly spat out, not minding to show how displeased he was with the development. Before thinking too much about it, he got up and was about to leave. 

Lupin called out after him, immediately. “Oh, n… No, it’s your place. I should leave. Could I… talk to you for a bit? I don’t mean to impose but…” What in the world could the other want. Severus had gotten what he wanted, he had learnt a lot more than most other people knew about an interesting condition, he didn’t want to speak with the other.   
  
“This very morning, your friends attacked me, like they always do, and you just stood by and watched. What makes you think I want to even look at your sorry, scarred face? Much less talk to it.” He wasn’t upset, no, definitely not, he was purely being realistic. He had the right to not want to see the other’s face.   
  
He was met with yet another miserable sight, a desperate and shameful look that was only befitting to a dog. He felt something heat up at an alarming rate in his chest; it was an altogether bizarre sight, one which no one had ever shown him. He had absolutely no idea how to handle such a situation, and spoke before he was thinking. “Oh, please. You’re not expecting me to feel bad for you? You pathetic _ halfblood _.” He spit out the last word as if it was a curse, then, he looked shocked over what had just left his lips… He didn’t mean to say that; he didn’t even have the right to say such a thing, he himself was a halfblood. It felt… strange to throw an insult against someone that hadn’t exactly done something towards him, and it left a sour taste in his mouth, probably one that was imaginary, yet very real to him. He bit his lip in frustration, but stopped himself, hiding a little bit behind his hair instead.

“I see you have some bad friends, as well. But, uh… It is a little impressive that you didn’t go for the easier insult.” … What was he even to say to that? He didn’t feel comfortable at all with what he had just said, and let out an annoyed sigh, still not facing the werewolf. “I’m… sorry. I suppose I might not have… meant it. Not exactly like that.” He didn’t sign up for the shame, yet there it was.   
  
“Can we… still talk?” Said werewolf tried again. He truly wouldn’t give in, huh?   
  
How clever, now that he had embarrassed himself it wasn’t exactly like he could refuse.   
  
“You still want to talk to me?” It was a genuine surprise to him, he had expected to be insulted back, and told an array of reasons why he was a horrible existence, if he showed even the slightest bit of bad personality. “You won’t give up, will you… Fine, I will listen to you. But don’t bother me for too long.” 

They seated themselves properly, and Severus finally found out what the whole deal was about. Lupin had found him simply to tell him why his so called friends had been a little extra cruel towards him recently. Apparently there had been a form of misunderstanding. The Gryffindor was annoyingly slow at approaching the subject, shy about it, having a hard time admitting things, yet, he was admitting them. Severus was very unused to the idea of consoling anyone really, and the scenario itself felt strangely like those times he had consoled a younger Lily Evans. Actually, there were certain points in which Lupin and Lily were similar, in the way problems were eating them up, while there were many other differences. Stranger yet, it seemed the stupid dog was moving closer and closer to him, and it left a strange feeling in his chest and gut, something he couldn’t really explain. He was scared, truly, but there was something else too; Lupin clearly didn’t want him harm right then, he was confiding in him, after all. Part of him was… curious, to what the other wanted, why the other wanted to be closer.   
  
“And now they seem to think that you are blackmailing me…” Lupin finished, having gone back to placing his head on his knees and staring at the ground between his legs. “And today, I saw the way they were acting towards you and… I know that you are a person, it’s not that… but I… I don’t know, it’s suddenly as if I realised that you are a person too. Of… of course you are hurting by them treating you like that… I can’t justify it, I… I don’t know.” He finished with a somewhat weak, uncertain shrug. 

… …

He didn’t really want to believe what he was hearing. Rather, he forcefully held down the side of himself which had longed to hear those words from anyone, just anyone, who wasn’t Lily, for anyone to acknowledge his existence and feelings as a person. Right then, a large tidal wave of emotions washed over him too fast for him to even comprehend what to feel, or remember how to breathe before being submerged. Usually when he felt strongly about something, it was dread and fear, and his body started feeling nauseous even from this new overwhelming sensation. He forced it all down, shut it all down. Part of him wanted to call the other an idiot for not realising sooner, yet, he had not ever really considered Lupin anything but a goon in the background of the psychopath and the bully, so perhaps he didn’t have that much of a right to comment. He opted for a mature and calm response instead, he needed to keep his emotions at bay. “Somehow, a lot of people doesn’t seem aware that I am a person too. I guess I am used to it.” Lupin’s kinder words hurt. They hurt because it made him feel things his body already well knew would come back to hurt him, later on. 

“...Is, uh… Is Lily Evans your only real friend?” 

He… didn’t really want to answer that. He felt the other scratching at the wall he forcefully built up, and right then said wall felt paper thin. He felt vulnerable. “I don’t know. I… want to be, but, I am not sure.” He tried to read the other’s intention with the question, carefully glancing at the other from behind his hair. This was all very unpleasant. “Your Potter certainly isn’t making it any easier, with his… tormenting her. One day, I might actually make him stop once and for all...” He felt a little angry, even thinking about Potter’s careless approach to the girl. She deserved so much better; he clearly didn’t know her one bit, and acted as if her pretty face gave him free access to harass her, and worst of all, to get between her and an old childhood friend, like it was some sort of game. He clenched his hands, but anger was forgotten within a moment when he was startled enough to flinch, nearly jump.   
  
Lupin had suddenly decided to lean against him. He felt breathing against his skin. He felt warmth from the other teenager. He could smell the other’s hair. It was… nauseatingly surprising, but he didn’t push the other away or move at all. Damned mutt, he was getting to him at a vulnerable state, and it felt… good to be touched. It felt so good that it hurt that someone didn’t act as if touching him or being near him disgusted them. Still, he didn’t understand the other, he barely believed what he was experiencing.   
  
“What are you doing?” His voice made it clear that he was nothing less than shocked.   
  
“I am comforting you.”   
  
What in the-... The idea was so unfamiliar to him that his mind suppressed it, acting as if it didn’t hear the good intentions in it. “Is that so? Then what are you doing on my bloody shoulder?” He clicked his tongue with irritation, but he didn’t try to move the werewolf off. 

“It...feels good. Maybe I just… wanted to have someone to lean against too.” The mutt finally mumbled… Such a dog. At least selfishness was something Severus understood.   
  
Another moment made it easier to remember where he was, who he was, and that he wasn’t in fact some disgusting creature that was below being comforted; he remembered that people weren’t evil, they were just selfish. Lupin had clearly suffered a lot, which made him more likely to show compassion, especially after his recent realisation. He still felt like he was being cuddled by a big dog, however.   
  
In the end, he couldn’t help but to give in. He realised well that opportunities like this might as well never surface again, for him. He wasn’t jealous of what others had, but he had learnt to grab that which he could, before it disappeared. They remained there for what to him felt like a very long time. “This isn’t so bad. Don’t think that means I trust you, but… I suppose you are rather harmless. At least like...this.” Lupin probably needed a little of the encouragement, maybe like Lily, Severus’s only real reference, he’d need to be reassured of things. Like a dog.   
  
“I suppose you are harmless, too.” Mh… he did not know how to respond to that. His first reaction was once more wanting to berate the other for even considering him dangerous, but then again, perhaps it was a little nice to know that someone could acknowledge his skill, and skill meant that one could be dangerous, even if he’d never choose to if there were other options. “It’s… nice to have someone to talk to.” The other continued in the silence. Did he want a response? Severus was very unsure how to handle it all. He tried not to think too hard about everything going on within him.   
  
“I don’t think simply telling me things count. I believe I have to give you advice or something too.” Snape commented, in a dry voice. 

“Well, what is your advice then?” 

“I don’t have any advice for you.” That might not be the whole truth, but he didn’t feel like sharing, and was a bit too much of a mess to focus on giving life advice.  
  
“I guess we need to practice that one.” Severus glanced over at the other, as said teenager got up and prepared to leave. Did Lupin realise that his words literally translated into that they would be comforting one another again. That was… he couldn’t be thinking straight. “I… will see you later,” the werewolf said, and left.   
  
Severus was left in his little bush grotto, feeling his face heat up alarmingly and felt himself filled with too many strange emotions to make sense of a single one of them.   
  
\-----   
  
He figured it out. Finally, he figured it out.   
  
Severus knew that he should never pass up on having what he could have, on grabbing an opportunity before it disappeared. He knew what he wanted to write about for his essay. 

He approached Lupin after class, ignoring the fears that were clawing at him, as he carefully watched Black and the others, in the corner of his eye. He tried to sound completely calm and distant. “I hate to approach you like this, but it seems I need your help.”

“Me?” Lupin was evidently taken aback, but to great relief, didn’t seem much more than a bit unsure. 

“Yes, you are a Prefect, it’s part of your job to help students, is it not?” Severus had thought that line over quite a few times in his head, making sure he was prepared with a good argument, this time around. 

“That is true, what can I do for you, then?”   
  
Severus didn’t show any of the relief he felt, if he relaxed, the fear would likely show, too. “Meet me outside the Dining Hall after dinner. I will be waiting.” He turned on his heel and strode away, leaving the Marauders to look after him, making sure to not look back at them. 

It seemed to have gone fairly well, he was already aware that Lupin’s friends were antagonizing him like some sort of enemy, for even approaching Lupin, and hoped that his explanation had been enough to warrant off suspicion.

\-----

He met up with Lupin after dinner, and led him to one of the smaller study rooms in the school. This time, Severus felt well prepared for the meeting. He had even discussed the matter with Dumbledore, given the sensitive subject, and had gotten approval with his topic of choice. He sat down properly, putting his things down, and was about to bring up paper for taking notes, and ink and quill, when the other spoke: “...So, uh… What did you want to talk about?”

This was it. He didn’t allow himself to look nervous, he sat up straight and looked at the other, neutrally; “as you know, all students in sixth year are expected to write an essay on a topic related to magic studies, I have chosen to write an essay related to potions.” So far so good, Lupin was listening to him, looking like an attentive dog, slightly confused, but very attentive.   
  
“In seventh year, I have every intention of putting the things I have learnt from making my essay into practice, and work towards making the potion I will be writing about. But for this, I will need your help.”

It became evident that the other was catching on, if ever so slightly, as he curled together, in his usual way. It was nearly fascinating how someone could be willing to show so much weakness around someone they didn’t quite know. “What, exactly, are you planning on writing about,” he asked, clearly uncertain, perhaps in a bit of denial.   
  
The look on the other’s face caused him to hesitate for a moment, before he found more resolution to continue speaking; “I want to create a potion that will work against a werewolf’s transformation. My previous research has shown me that there is no real cure, but I have been considering if I might be able to… calm the effects. What I am trying to say, is that you are still a person inside a beast’s body; even if your body might have transformed, there should be a way to make the human mind resurface.”

The first response he got was one he was very displeased with. 

“That… sounds completely impossible…” That was what all the people who never made a difference said and thought. That was what people too spoiled to have to work for what they wanted said.   
  
“It’s not impossible, simply hard.” He retorted, trying to not sound far too condescending.   
  
“How can you be so sure?” Lupin growled, hence he was clearly getting upset.   
  
Severus snorted involuntarily, starting to get the slightest bit annoyed with the other. Lupin shouldn’t be upset or defensive, he should be happy. It felt tragic to know the other was in so much denial of ever managing to have a cure or solution to his problem. 

“I am not, but if everybody else claim it’s too hard, isn’t that just because they lack the skill to actually accomplish the task?” He hoped he could make the student see reason, he was… hopeful. He was very rarely hopeful. Dumbledore had told him that he needed Lupin’s approval as well, he wanted it, he needed it. He was prepared to argue more for it.   
  
“This isn’t… some sort of… cruel trap? I am… not so sure I trust you.” Retorted the werewolf.   
  


For a moment Severus felt genuinely offended. Lupin didn’t trust him, it was the werewolf who didn’t trust him, and not vice versa? Something stabbed him ever so slightly in the gut, but he chose to ignore it. He closed out any memory of people telling him all the unpleasant behaviours he apparently had, and the reasons he was a bad person, all those lies about things that he never really had done for real. He had chosen to consider all those who believed such lies mere idiots, not worthy of his time. He needed to focus instead of hurting. Maybe he would have to go with a bit of reverse psychology on the dog.   
  
“Then don’t.” He started, trying hard to not sound too offended. “But ask yourself this: what if I can make it work? You must realise how much that would improve the lives of every person suffering from the Lycanthropy disease.” 

The guilt tripping seemed to work wonders. The other clearly had a realisation, upon hearing those words. “I see. If… I do this, it could help others like me. Then I don’t really have a choice,” he mouthed, at last. That, however, once more annoyed Severus. He wasn’t a bully, he wasn’t going to force the other against all reason. Lupin was simply being ignorant and selfish, right then, and he was helping him see reason.   
  
“You could refuse.” He stated, sharply, clearly, simply. “I don’t want your friends coming to me, claiming that I forced you into helping me with this. Besides, the results you give me might not be truthful, if I forced you, so it wouldn’t be worth it.” 

“I… suppose you are right. No I… will help you. But you will have to pretend you got the information from another werewolf, I… don’t want to be mentioned by name.”   
  
“Of course not,” he scoffed out, that should be obvious.   
  
He relaxed ever so slightly when the other had finally agreed with him, and thus, his questions about lycanthropy began pouring from his lips. He asked about the condition itself, about different potential solution and earlier attempts to calm the beast. He dutifully noted all the relevant information down, making sure to listen properly. He was relieved to find that Lupin seemed to be answering honestly, and genuinely attempted to be helpful. A bit later, they had started discussing the impulses and behaviours the teenage werewolf was experiencing, upon the full moon approaching. Lupin mentioned something about urges, but seemed far too embarrassed to actually be specific.   
  
Severus sighed, and tried to remain professional, “I need you to confirm what those urges and desires are supposed to be.”   
  
The werewolf groaned and began chewing on his upper lip. “I… fine, the impulses make me want to… growl when I am annoyed, to be close to the people I like, I...uh… sometimes I… want them to pet me… or scratch me…” He was steadily turning red in the face, and his eyes were avoiding Severus. “I think it’s hard to concentrate, noises seem to be… stronger, the stronger it gets to that time of the month, the less I am capable of focusing. It’s fair to say that my senses are sharper, and it’s...distracting.” 

He tried to be a comfort in the sense that he clearly wasn’t reacting, he was simply noting down the information indifferently. “And for the urges?”   
  
“It’s… ugh… It’s very hard to control sexual urges. If a student passes me in the corridors, who is attracted to someone else, I will smell it. It’s…” He laughed, as if in defeat. “It is very hard to be around Sirius the closer it gets to a full moon.” 

Severus stopped in mid motion, before he focused far more on writing down the notes, avoiding the other altogether. He did not, under any circumstances, want to think about Sirius Black’s sexual appeal to people, it was already distasteful to hear rumors pass around, and other people’s opinions of the unpleasant person, and his habits of sleeping around. Part of him couldn’t help but to think that he wasn’t surprised that it would be a way to describe Black’s unpleasant personality and behaviour, it did not surprise him that the teenager couldn’t properly control himself.  
  
He felt his cheeks heat, and rather drastically felt the need to change the topic; “There will be a full moon in a week.” He brought his wand out and cast a spell to make certain the ink had dried properly, trying very hard to not think about the previous topic of discussion. “I want to speak to you every day until that full moon, and I will need you to tell me everything about the changes, emotions, and so on, which you experience. I need to know as much as I can if I am supposed to succeed in this task.”   
  
“I leave one day before the full moon, actually.” Lupin suddenly stated. That was noteworthy, but it made a lot of sense when he thought about it. 

  
“To the shack then,” he merely stated, awaiting confirmation. Perhaps there was another place as well, but he did already know, given the unfortunate past circumstances, where the werewolf was lurking about. Lupin nodded.   
  
“I see. Meet me here tomorrow, at around the same time.” Before the Gryffindor could say anything in response, the Slytherin was already out the door. He still felt uncomfortable, and he didn’t want things to get more personal than they already were, with Lupin. He was already feeling a lot more than he should. He was already thinking of stupid what ifs and annoying wishes. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then I am staying with you for the night.” He didn’t manage to look at the other, but tried very hard to keep his voice stable. He didn’t even know what he expected to happen, or why the prospect of it felt thrilling. 
> 
> “You are...doing what?” Lupin said, sounding worse than when Severus had entered; it was a little gratifying to see the state of shock the words caused for the other.

Severus tried his very best to ignore the growing familiarity with his specimen. He focused hard on his task, knowing well that he had chosen a very difficult project that would require a lot of effort on his part. Luckily, even if he would fail with the final product, it’ll still be an essay with more information about the disease than anything previously written on lycanthropy. It meant that there was no real way for him to fail with his task, but he very much wanted to succeed; he had set out to succeed. 

Still, the stupid mutt he had to work with was trying to get familiar with him, much to his distaste. Lupin was asking questions back, and Severus knew he had to indulge the other to some degree, given everything the other was doing to help his research. He wasn’t… used to having someone be genuinely curious about him. At times, Lupin really did feel like an affectionate and attention starved mutt, and Severus didn’t hate it. People normally didn’t want to get to know him, and he was rather certain the only reason Lily was past all that was because they had gotten to know each other before she would have turned away. It was a depressing thought, but if he didn’t remain realistic, or he would get hurt all the worse.  
  
To his own sheer horror, he found that he didn’t dislike the attention of someone asking for his opinion, wanting to know more of him. No one had really done that, ever, and he had tried very hard to convince himself that he didn’t need or want such things, for a long time. Involuntarily, he started to relax more around the teenage dog, and started looking forward to seeing the other. 

Upon full moon approaching, he prepared a stronger sleeping potion. He based it off on a regular recipe for wizards struggling with insomnia, but honestly, the side effects were so very weak they were more or less non-existent, he was quite certain wizards made the sort of potion just to sleep with ease, as commonly as curing a common headache. He needed the potion to be stronger, but had to be very careful to not risk it being harmful; he used potions that were created to put different beasts to sleep as a reference. In the end, he had made something that seemed decent enough to put to try. He finished it a few days prior to the full moon, but didn’t talk about it much, or hand it over to the werewolf upon their meetings; he decided to have a good reason to go to the Shack the day before the full moon. He told himself that it was because he needed to observe his specimen the day before the full moon. Perhaps a part of him wanted to meet the other in the Shack under different circumstances, wanted to chase away some of the terror.

\-----

Even as he sneaked his way out and over to the secret entrance of the Shack, he found it hard to move and continue forward, and felt a lingering dread clutch to him like strong claws. He only felt relief once more when he found his way into the wreck of a house, and saw Lupin stare at him in shock, seemingly extreme enough to be described as terror. Not only that, but the other teenager looked messy, dusty and obviously in a bad state for controlling his instincts and feelings; “You look horrible,” Severus stated, accidentally sounding more intrigued than he intended.  
  
“What in the world are you doing here?” Luckily, it seemed the teenage dog didn’t notice, rather he growled the response out, making it clear that he was distressed. What a pain to deal with, Severus audibly sighed. 

“It’s dangerous! You of all people should know that.” Lupin continued speaking before he had a chance to retort how stupid the reaction was; the other was clearly just paranoid as ever over the fact that he was a werewolf. To his great surprise, when Lupin spoke, he moved forward, nearly threateningly so, like an animal defending its territory. While it caused a minor discomfort, he suddenly realised something rather amazing: he was not scared of the other. The other was even acting threateningly, but yet didn’t scare the Slytherin student. After years of having the psychopath Black running after him with intentions to harm, making it hard to deal with most encounters with people, he realised that he knew well that Lupin was merely like an affectionate dog, a lonely, starved and desperate mutt. The other wouldn’t intend to harm the person who was helping him, he had too much to lose.  
  
He observed the other, and how he seemed to back away upon not having any reaction of fear, and not gaining any authority in terms of intimidation, yet another canine behaviour. “It’s not dangerous. You will transform tomorrow. Right now, you are simply being overwhelmed by it, right?” 

The mutt nodded, still looking uncomfortable. “Yes, but… I told you, I can’t… I can barely hold back the impulses.” 

Something fluttered inside his gut, and he decided to firmly ignore it, as well as ignore the implications of what the other was saying. Besides, Lupin had very well described how he acted like an affectionate dog when he gave into impulses, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.  
  
“I thought I heard you throw something, it sounded as if you were angry.”

“I...yes.” Lupin slowly admitted, looking like a guilty animal, avoiding eye contact. 

“What were you mad at?” 

“Is this part of the research…?”  
  
“Yes. I’m not asking to make you uncomfortable.” He tried to be patient with the other. 

“I… Threw a book. I just… couldn’t understand the words and it made me… frustrated.” 

The confession should be unsettling to the boy who was usually a victim for other people’s emotional outlets, but instead, it almost felt cute… dogs were cute. Dogs did cute things. It was a little cute to see the other struggle like that. What a bizarre thought.  
  
“I came to bring you this,” he decided to state, instead of answering. He held the little vial up for a second before he stepped over to the other and handed it over to him, or so he thought that he would, but Lupin immediately stepped away from him. A sudden pain struck him, seeing someone step away from him as if something was wrong with him. He really had to gain control of himself, he shouldn’t hurt that much from such things anymore.  
  
“It’s… safer if you stay further away… I don’t want to break...anything.” Oh… that was strangely sweet, and Severus mentally slapped himself for not immediately understanding that of course the other feared the closeness. There was nothing wrong with himself, he had to remember. He felt oddly relieved.  
  
“It’s a sleeping potion. It should be enough to knock even a werewolf out for the entirety of the night, if you take it around six or seven the same night. Is there anywhere I can place it where you won’t break it in… a fit of anger?” It would prove to be problematic if Lupin accidentally broke the vial before he could ingest the potion. 

“I… I don’t feel like anything is safe with me, when I’m alone during the night.” Lupin admitted, moving his arms around himself, slowly rubbing them while staring at the wall in front of him. 

… Severus had an idea. Rather, he got an opportunity which he expected that he would never again have, ever. It wasn’t only because the circumstances were so different and odd, but because he’d probably never be close enough with people for an occurrence like this. “Then I am staying with you for the night.” He didn’t manage to look at the other, but tried very hard to keep his voice stable. He didn’t even know what he expected to happen, or why the prospect of it felt thrilling.  
  
“You are...doing what?” Lupin said, sounding worse than when Severus had entered; it was a little gratifying to see the state of shock the words caused for the other.  
  
“I am staying for the night,” he repeated clearly, feeling a little more confident the second time he said it, and walked further into the building before the other could protest. The last time, he hadn’t exactly had the chance to explore what the place looked like; thus far, his impression of the Shack was that it was very eerie and dusty, very lonesome and old. It didn’t seem like a very nice place to be alone once a month. He eyed the broken couch, that was clearly ripped into shreds by something animalistic, which didn’t make it a particularly difficult equation. He brought his wand out and repaired it, then sat down onto it. 

The teenage wizard dog came after him, and if he would have had a tail, it would probably have been between his legs right then. “No, Snape, you don’t understand… I… I’ve told you that the urges are maddening to me the night before… You look… so attractive to me right now. Everything about you right now… I don’t know how I can resist.” Severus stopped mid motion again, instinctively hiding behind his hair.  
  
… …  
  
Being jealous of what others had was one of the most foolish things one could be. Having been born less fortunate than many others, Severus had since long had to learn to accept that he would, in fact, never have all that which others had. He had learnt well to take what he could have, before he would lose the chance.  
  
… … “Alright.”  
  
He quickly realised that his statement should probably be a bit more clarified; “I… don’t think I mind. As long as it stays between us.” 

It might be his only chance.  
  
“I… really can’t believe I heard that right,” said the dog, before he slumped down onto the couch as well, looking at him expectantly like… well… a dog.  
  
Severus sighed and tried to reassure the other, or maybe himself, he wasn’t certain anymore. “...I find it hard to believe it as well, but since I am to stay the night with you, I don’t want to have to deal with a horny dog slobbering over me.” Yes, that sounded more like himself. The other was being a pain in forcing him to repeat himself, either way.  
  
“That is… fair enough,” the Gryffindor student answered, seemingly perplexed over the whole idea, “but I would hate myself beyond reason if you felt forced to have… sex with me. I don’t want you to do it if you don’t want to.”  
  
…! That was very straight forward with the intentions and thoughts the other had. Severus felt like his face was heating up alarmingly, feeling even more the urge to hide. His heart rate was increasing as well, in a sense which would only have been familiar if it had been a reaction out of fear. Perhaps he was scared, a little bit… He always worked hard to not let fear or panic show, besides, he wasn’t panicking, he just felt… something. “It would be consensual, if that is what you are worried about,” he stated, very neutrally, forcing the feelings down, while staring straight ahead. The anticipation in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife.  
  
“Then you are sure? You’re not going to-” the werewolf seemed to get distracted. Severus didn’t hear if he finished the sentence, because he flinched slightly, and caught his breath in his throat for a moment, when he felt fingers brush against his leg. He tried so very hard to keep control, at least one of the two of them should remain somewhat in control. Besides, at that point, Lupin was starting to offend him. Every time he had to state his consent out loud made it harder, it pierced something in him, made him feel undesirable, made doubts creep in, which was positively ridiculous seeing how much like a horny mutt the other teenager was acting. “If you think that I don’t know what I want, or need you to lecture me about… this.”

He took a deep breath, making sure to sound far more sure of what he was saying: “You’re being patronising. I said yes, didn’t I?” It was annoying, it was a little bit hurtful. 

Lupin didn’t answer any of that, rather, much like a beast he attacked without mercy, and was above Severus so quickly that it didn’t even leave room for a proper reaction or sound. It was so very surprising and fast that when Snape did make a surprised noise, it almost sounded like it was a bit delayed. If there had been walls within him, they didn’t anymore feel paper thin, rather they felt like they melted upon the touch of the other, a very jarring feeling.  
  
Lupin was kissing him. He was being kissed, and he did not pass up upon the opportunity to kiss back, control be damned. He felt like he should care about his own lack of experience, like it should be embarrassing, but it was far too overwhelming, and Lupin just felt too affected by the closeness, for someone who would be secretly judging him. Severus relaxed.  
  
When they pulled back, the Slytherin student noted that the other was probably just as much of a mess as he himself was, well a mess in a more emotional aspect. His chest was burning, his face was flushing, and he felt desire, it overlapped with and soaked the other feelings of nerves and worry. “You’re… heavy…” Embarrassingly enough, he had a bit of a hard time speaking.  
  
“Sorry.” The other let out a chuckle, causing Severus to huff on instinct, in response. 

“Would you like to sit on my lap instead?” Lupin asked. He felt as if the other was mocking him… but the dog teeanger looked so innocent, so very… happy. It made him feel warm. “I didn’t know we were close enough for little remarks…” he wasn’t even sure what he was referring to, by then, and crawled atop of the other.

Severus had not been prepared for how overwhelming being touched was for one who did not experience touch, even casually, on a daily basis. Alarmingly, his body seemed to react in the ways it knew the best, making him feel almost paralysed, as if scared. Luckily, that didn’t seem to matter to Lupin, who was eagerly undressing him, tossing the cloak away. Severus found he had to consciously remind himself, repeatedly, that it was something he wanted; he did want it. His body clearly wanted to be touched, it simply didn’t know very well how to react to such a phenomenon.  
  
Shameful as it was to admit, he had little to no knowledge of how the act was supposed to go about. He had figured one part, which was that he evidently was letting the other lead, and given the canine instincts of the teenager werewolf in heat, it was rather clear who would be in what position.  
  
After Lupin removed his cloak, it seemed like he was eagerly about to rip the rest of the Slytherin student’s clothes off; such a surprise it became, then, when the other simply started touching all over his back, sneaking hands under his shirt. The gentleness was a surprise, and resulted in Severus once more relaxing, enjoying the touches. Perhaps it was simply the fact that Lupin showed that he could regain some semblance of control that felt calming. “I think it makes it easier,” Lupin suddenly stated, and the response was so delayed that Severus could hardly tell if he was still trying to answer the previous statement. Besides… he was barely listening to the werewolf. His body was struggling far too much with the, albeit very pleasant, new impressions it was experiencing. 

“...Fine. Do what you… want,” he managed to say, and decided that yes, he was allowed to be a little bit possessive too, when the other was enjoying himself, and when he was allowing Lupin to play in the manner he did. Thus, he rested his head atop of the other’s and put his arms around the other’s shoulders; he wasn’t hugging the other, per say, just… well alright maybe he was. 

The longer the scenario went on, the easier it was for Severus to relax. Part of him wondered if Lupin was doing it on purpose, just to make him relax, which would be… jarringly endearing. In a sense, it felt good to give himself up to such an eager dog-like person, because he could not for his life think of being able to do all those things himself, right then. He needed some… mental preparation, for that. 

He felt the other breathe over his neck, and felt his chest tense with anticipation. Instead of having the other’s lips on his neck, something Severus hadn’t quite ever fathomed he would desire until that point, the other pulled away with such haste that he nearly lost his balance atop of the werewolf. “Why did you… stop? What’s wrong?” 

“Sorry, I… Wanted to bite you. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Lupin avoided the other’s eyes, shrinking together somewhat. 

“...People do that during sex. You act as if something is wrong.”

“I can’t believe I…” Lupin started, being very slow with answering, and it was starting to get a little bit annoying. Severus was already allowing more than he ever believed his ego would handle, in terms of closeness, he would very much appreciate going back to the previous activity, before he’d worrying too much. “...I’m a werewolf. If I bite you, you will turn into one too,” Lupin finally finished.

  
Oh, well wasn’t that ridiculous. Severus almost wanted to ridicule him out loud for being so very silly again, but given the fact that he couldn’t will his body to act and respond to the other’s touches, he wasn’t exactly in a position to complain about Lupin’s struggles of control. He’d have to be a little kinder than that, at least try to be. 

“Yes, if you bite somebody during a full moon, that will happen,” he confirmed, trying to not sound to upset or annoyed; he wasn’t upset, just a bit distressed over the situation he was in, making it harder to control his emotions. 

“Yes, but… Maybe I can make people transform if I bite them when I’m like this too?” The werewolf was still avoiding to look at him.

By Merlin’s beard did the other need comfort and reassurement… Severus wanted to tell himself that it was annoying, but couldn’t quite manage. There was something else, too. 

  
“...Then don’t break the skin, if you are so worried about it,” he finally managed to settle for, as he reached out and grabbed the other’s face, pulling him closer again. There was a short silence, where Severus just looked at the werewolf, who, in true dog-like manner, avoided to meet his eyes. “...Just touch me. You shouldn’t worry about turning me into a werewolf. You can only do that one day of the month, and that day is not today.” 

It seemed to be the reassurement Lupin needed, because shortly after, Severus could feel a very unfamiliar, somewhat wet, sensation against his neck, which caused him to let out a very subtle moan, one he wasn’t particularly proud of. It was just… a very pleasant sensation, he did understand why people craved it so. He closed his eyes, deciding to enjoy every bit of what was given to him, as he would not waste it, when it might just never happen again. 

The removal of his shirt came as more of a surprise than it should have been, it should be blatantly obvious, but he had been a little too deep under, caught in the fire of the battle of his own emotions. He allowed it, of course, but it was… embarrassing. There wasn’t… well anything that he really liked about his own body, and being exposed to another person was as terrifying and embarrassing as it was thrilling, the thrill originating in how clearly desired he was, right then. 

He felt a bit like a specimen of his own, when Lupin was so clearly experimenting with his body, and what reactions he could cause. Suddenly he felt something warm and wet press against his chest, more particularly, his nipple, and he nearly jolted in shock from the shivers it sent. He had not expected to be so very sensitive, the sensation nearly hurt, like being tickled far too much, or similar. It seemed the werewolf caught onto that the sensations were too much, and that it wasn’t pleasant to be overwhelmed, because the tongue returned, far more gently pressing up against his chest. His breathing hitched, and before he could make sense of his own actions or emotions right then, he grabbed the other by the hair, not very forcefully, and rather put pressure against the back of the other’s head, pushing himself closer… seeking contact, almost desperately. It felt beyond ridiculous that he would do such a thing, yet there he was, evidently doing it. Unfamiliar relief settled in him when he was being nuzzled in return, and ended up embracing the other mucher closer than until that point, his chest feeling lighter than it had in… well perhaps in forever. At last, he was petting the werewolf, stroking a hand through the other’s hair gently, while gathering courage to speak; “Is… there a bed? This couch is…prickly.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence followed, and Severus started feeling antsy. He couldn’t help but to ask, he needed a confirmation, a proper rejection: “Do you have feelings for me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life got in the way of writing a bit, but most of the story is now finished, and will be published soon! -Nathan

The awkward walk to the bed was cut very short when he found himself pounced, almost like a prey, and on his back on the bed, before he even sat down on his own. Lupin was all over him, and he very much, very greedily, accepted the kisses, not anymore fearing to put his arms around the other’s neck, to seek the closeness, and invite the werewolf into his arms; perhaps his body was starting to realise that this was all, indeed, happening. 

After a bit, Lupin broke away from the kiss, to uncharacteristically stop in mid motion, looking down on his partner. Severus had probably never in his life felt so exposed, and that did count for all the times Black had tried to publicly embarrass him. Worse yet, the werewolf opted to carefully brush his hair out of his face, his one curtain of safety to hide behind, so that there was nothing to hide him from the teeanger above him; the shock was probably very evident in his eyes before he looked away, not able to meet the other’s eyes. Lupin had looked down upon him with desire, upon the scrawny, weak, less than mediocre body that Severus just so happened to be the owner of; not in his wildest dreams had he dared imagining someone looking upon him like that. He should probably have sternly reminded himself that the other was purely horny enough for all preferences to falter, but strangely seemed to be unable to think of it right then.  
  
Somewhat distressed, he spoke up before he could think of what to say; he very much wanted the whole thing to proceed as fast as possible, so that he would not have to lay there in mortified embarrassment and other various feelings. “You...mn, nevermind…” He stopped talking, but it had been enough to make the werewolf wake up from his admirative daydreaming. He had been about to ask the other how he wanted the act to go through, as it seemed sort of sensible, but then again reminded himself that he probably knew exactly how the mutt of a teenager wanted it. Normally, he would probably have had to force himself to at least ask the other, but he refrained, if only to prove to himself that his theory was correct.  
  
Of course, embarrassment and mortifying scenarios only got worse as Lupin proceeded to start removing the rest of Severus’s garments. He nearly wanted to protest, and was quite startled at the very strength the other used to rid the Slytherin student of his trousers and accompanying clothes. First of all, why was the Gryffindor student still fully dressed, it was not even the slightest bit fair, and oh-... he was being watched again. The other teenager was simply leaning above him for a moment, almost seeming predatorily, and Severus could feel his entire body tingle with anticipation, while trying hard to convince himself that he was just shivering from the cold in the Shack.  
  
How in the name of all Great Wizards Lupin managed to be so very bold, Severus would never come to understand. He could feel the other touch his erection, and despite the terror of the humiliation that came with exposing himself, his own undesirable self, to the other, he couldn’t but let out a few shaky moans, and twitch under the touch of the other. It wasn’t perfect, which felt like it should be obvious when another human being was touching him, without being able to feel what felt good and not. If anything, it was a little dry, and his skin hurt a little when pulled in certain directions, but the strange sensation of someone else touching him was far overwhelming. He opted to rest the arm over his face and eyes, hiding from the view of the other, making it a little easier to manage everything that was happening.  
  
It seemed the werewolf had not an ounce of shame in him, as the hands traced down his thighs for a moment, and Severus was very dedicated to his task of not looking. Suddenly, a very unfamiliar wet sensation covered his erection, and had his brain agreed to properly function there and then, he would far quicker have understood what was actually happening, instead of focusing on the warm fluttering in his nether regions, and how much better wet sensation felt than dry. He wasn’t quite certain he had words for how good the warm wetness around him felt, even if he winched a few times upon Lupin sucking too hard, or accidentally scraping his teeth against the length. For the very first time, perhaps it was alright to simply enjoy himself, and let the eager werewolf explore and play all he wanted; Severus tried to relax, and found that it was a lot easier than expected, when he was feeling so very good.  
  
It probably did have a lot to do with his partner being someone he trusted not to harm him, at least. He could only hope that Lupin would be sensible enough to keep everything between the two of them, and rather suspected he would, because of how his so called friends had reacted to only speaking to Severu-...! He suddenly shivered and moaned when the other decided to push forward, further covering his erection. Fine alright, if sexual contact was this very pleasant, perhaps he had been a little harsh on people who openly sought it out.  
  
The overwhelming pleasure only lasted momentarily, because Lupin pulled back and was suddenly coughing rather violently. Severus rather quickly sat up a little, anxiety quickly building up in him, not that he could tell why; perhaps he was just worrying needlessly that something would go wrong. Still, the werewolf looked at him, and he very quickly came to understand exactly what had happened. Bizarre enough, he couldn't help but smile and let out a chuckle at the sight, which seemed to be exactly what the other opted for as well. The moron had forgotten not to choke himself in the process of what he was doing-... Severus could only roll his eyes, having no idea how hard the practice of oral sex really was; “Be careful… Goodness…” 

He sank back onto the bed, feeling a little better. Somehow, Lupin had managed to break the ice a little further by making an embarrassment of himself, making Severus feel a little better about himself. How could he possibly have been as foolish as to think that it would matter how he embarrassed himself in front of the awkward teeanger, they were both borderline desperate as it was, he wouldn’t need to worry. If that was the case… why was it so hard to ask the other to undress? He’d just… rather not talk, it felt illogical and stupid, and rather hard to fathom as speaking up would lead to having what he wanted. 

He was very lucky to have realised that he shouldn’t be embarrassed, since what followed would have been beyond horror to endure, otherwise. By the time Lupin had sorted himself and chosen to keep Severus in his lap, on all fours, his face was burning to a degree where he couldn’t possibly keep up any sense of dignity, hiding completely behind his hands and arms. Despite the mortifying embarrassment, he wanted it so badly, and everything which had happened had felt good in ways unlike anything he had experienced. Who would have suspected that simple human touch could be so very comfortable, and intense, just because he was someone who didn’t usually experience it. 

Because he was hiding still, he flinched an equal amount when he felt fingers against his anus. He knew the theory of it, he knew that it was natural; he knew well that it should, in theory, feel very good, but it was still frightening. It was a sensitive area, one that could be rather easily damaged, and of course it would feel unnatural and dirty if that was the only reference one had, if it was the first time, at least so he believed. He had to trust Lupin, frightening as the idea was when it came to something so very delicate, but he would, he had decided that he would.  
  
It… truly didn’t feel very bad. It was a very intrusive, intimate, feeling to be able to feel someone inside of his own body. It didn’t hurt, and Lupin was being careful, clearly. It would have hurt without the lubrication, of course, he couldn’t imagine anal sex being possible to perform on the fly, especially not without proper lubrication at hand. After just a few moments it was starting to feel genuinely good, not too overwhelmingly so, but he was still letting out a few moans and sighs, from where he was hiding. It was starting to become relaxing, and it still hadn’t really hurt, if anything, maybe felt like it stretched a bit once or twice; he did realise that it didn’t hurt because the other teenager was taking time, not rushing anything, it would likely have hurt otherwise. Clearly the practice of it all wasn’t too hard, as long as taken in proper pacing. Severus didn’t think he reacted too strongly to the sensations, but that was probably far from true, he was losing himself in the relaxation, starting to feel comfortable and sluggish while at the same time sensitive and full of anticipation.  
  
The nervousness came back as Lupin removed the fingers-... he had no way of telling how many there had been but certainly more than one, and he was not risking to look. He refused to stop hiding, but the werewolf teenager did start to inquire him with what position he wanted.

  
“I-.. mh. Might as well remain like this, it should be the least straining;” he tried very hard to say it in a matter of factly way without dying of embarrassment. Of course, Severus was referring to remaining on all fours.  
  
It was very comforting that both of them could use simple spells and magic to clean matters up properly, he didn’t even want to think about how much care muggles would have to put into cleanliness and safety.  
  
Finally, the Gryffindor student was undressing! It wasn’t just that he wanted to see his partner as well, the act of watching being a little harder as he was hiding himself, but at that point it was only fair. He could at least peek just a tad-... 

The bed had more than one pillow, and as Severus felt rather-... weak at that moment, he opted for grabbing the pillows, putting them under himself. Lupin suggested for them to be under his stomach instead, and while that was more embarrassing, it proved not to be an entirely useless idea. Very soon he could feel himself be grabbed at the waist.  
  
All of a sudden his blood turned to ice, and he felt terror well up inside his chest. He didn’t understand or realise why, but he desperately wanted to run away because for a moment he genuinely believed that someone was going to hurt him-... Oh. It vanished as quickly as it came. He wasn’t going to be hurt, no one was taking him by surprise; Remus Lupin wasn’t going to hurt him, and he had consented to this, he wanted this. He felt himself calm within a second, feeling embarrassed to know that his body had reacted to its memories on its own, without him being able to control himself. With a brief glance at the other, he sighed in relief, as Lupin seemed far too distracted to actually having smelled his panic, and it had been so brief-... mh.  
  
Severus could feel the other’s erection against his opening, it felt warm and soft, different from the fingers, and he immediately retreated to hide his face again, aching in anticipation. He very, very much wanted to know what it felt like, he very greedily wanted to be pleasured, as he doubted he would find it in him to be bold enough to take the lead. He was endlessly thankful to the dog-like teenager for being so eager to take the lead.  
  
The two teenagers rather quickly found out that having a hard member enter the anus was a little trickier than one might believe, as the outer rim of muscles, even when eased up, still tightened in and was making it resist a generally soft organ only kept hard by a single muscle. It took a bit of time, enough for it to feel almost awkward, but once the head of the member passed the outer ring, it suddenly because very easy and slippery. Severus had no words for the feeling, it felt-... full, gratifyingly, amazingly, and almost terrifyingly full, making his muscles protest ever so slightly, but also making his whole body shiver, focus purely on the pleasant feeling of being connected to something warm and human. Was it instinctual to feel this good from the intimacy of being connected to another person; Severus couldn’t exactly tell, and didn’t have very long to consider said thought trail as Lupin suddenly started to move and it-.. Didn’t hurt per say but felt very strange and unfamiliar, uncomfortable. His muscles tensed up and protested and before he knew it, he voiced the disapproval, “Ugh, wait, mh uh… I mean just, hold it for a second… please.” The ‘please’ came out rather silent, almost a whisper; it truly was a bit frightening to tell his partner to do something he knew wasn’t exactly what the other wanted, but to his relief, Lupin abided. Of course Lupin abided! He shouldn’t have doubted that in the first place. The other wasn’t as horrible a person as to be the type who would not listen to him, or hurt him. 

Severus had still opted to hide his face, and hide himself from the world and the act they were currently committing, but when Lupin was still, he found time to adjust himself to relax. It seemed that his body could relax as well, as it got more used to the sensation the more it was inside, just by twitching and moving about just a bit, the unpleasant feeling seemed to disappear, all on its own, wasn’t that very… useful.  
  
“There, mh, go ahead.” He was hoping that he was ready. There was some pit of fear, somewhere in his chest, worried that it wouldn’t feel as good as he had imagined, that it wouldn’t feel good or natural at all. What if it didn’t-.. What would he do-... mnh!  
  
Nevermind all that.  
  
Lupin had used a proper amount of lubrication, and the movement inside of him felt-... he couldn’t describe it even. He could feel it so detailed, feel the head move past more uneven parts inside him, budging, sliding, bumping; it felt incredible. He was suddenly very glad that he could rest his weight on the pillows below him, as control of himself and his muscles were becoming increasingly difficult with the focus on the sensations of the sex. After some time, he even dared suggesting the other moved faster, being quite certain that he could handle the sensation. It had most certainly been the correct choice of action, as the other became more frantic, was letting go, and it-... was turning Severus on more than he would want to admit. He trusted Lupin not to hurt him, it all felt good, he had no reason to fear.  
  


Another rather embarrassing thing he noted was that his own erection throbbed almost uncomfortably. He was getting somewhat close to an orgasm, but found rather quickly that the sensation of someone inside him wasn’t at all enough to reach it, no matter how overwhelming it felt. He swallowed pride and embarrassment and reached back to touch himself, letting out a lengthy moan of relief as both sensations mixed together into one big warm and overwhelming experience. He wasn’t going to let himself be ashamed of such a thing, Lupin was clearly having the time of his life, and he wasn’t about to miss out on any of the pleasure either. How could it possibly be a bad idea or insulting to touch oneself during sex; why he had even hesitated he didn’t know, it felt incredibly stupid in hindsight, given how good it made him feel.

Soon he was reaching a climax, and Severus was quite certain he wouldn’t be able to find words, for a long time, to describe what it felt like to have an orgasm during sex, rather than while being alone. Strangely, he noticed rather immediately that his body almost told him it was time to stop, tensing together, and the thrusts were starting to feel a little overbearing, while good still. There never came a moment where he had to figure out what to do about it, as the other teenager came soon after. The sensation was… surprisingly numb, he could feel some of it yet, but after having been pounded so hard for a while, it was hardly a noticeably strong feeling in comparison. He would likely have felt more of it had Lupin not suddenly attacked his neck, biting down and sucking rather hard, leaving him gasping from another sensation altogether. How could something that was inherently painful feel so very good.  
  
The werewolf slumped over him, and he felt himself being rather exhausted as well; Lupin had taken to nuzzling his neck, and thus he reached out and touched the other’s hair. Very quickly, however, he noticed that the, still hard, member inside of him started feeling uncomfortable, the muscles inside him screaming for a chance to rest up after what had just been performed to them. 

“You’re big...Uh… Can you pull out?” 

Lupin agreed and Severus could finally feel his entire body relax. He let the other move the pillows away from under him, and he more or less came crashing down onto the mattress, finding that he… enjoyed how exhausted he felt. He closed his eyes, noticing that the fact that he was naked in someone else’s presence seemed to matter less after the sex, when he was feeling the high of the orgasm, and with his eyes closed, he was strangely, unfamiliarly, comfortable.  
  
He had to open his eyes at some point, and after a while, looked up to see where Lupin was, finding the teenager looking like an uncertain mutt, not daring to approach him. He felt something flutter in his chest, and resorted to insulting the other, “...You… really do look like...a dog now…” He took a deep breath. Lupin looked upset, like something was wrong, and he had to work very hard to dare ask without worrying too much about how much of it would be his own fault; “Why… do you look so sad?”  
  
Lupin was quick to shake his head, Severus had no idea what for. “I… I bit you… And that… In the end, didn’t I hurt you?”  
  
So that was it. Mh.  
  
“...” Severus groaned, shaking his head. “You’re not about to turn me into a werewolf… I said that already.” 

“But I… didn’t it hurt?” The Gryffindor asked, nervously squirming on top of the blankets. 

“It didn’t hurt until the end… Everything up to that was...fine.” Severus answered honestly, but very much noticed, very quickly, that he had made Lupin worry again. Ugh, he looked away, not able to face the other teenager as he continued speaking; “It happens when the body starts tightening up again, right? It’s nothing to be bothered about. Stupid mutt.” He muttered the last words under his breath. To all he had just experienced, and all he knew in theory, his words made perfect sense. 

It seemed to satisfy said mutt, as Lupin suddenly grabbed him, and for yet another moment, he felt a tinge of fear until he was relocated against the teenager’s chest, immediately relaxing. It felt very strange to his body to move about so suddenly, but it wasn’t hurting him, not really, the ache was a comfortable kind of exhaustion, where he preferred not to move about too much. Lupin suddenly decided to touch his back, and he shivered to the light touch, hiding his face against the other.  
  
How… strange it was to be touched by someone else. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that his body was telling him that something bad would come, for every touch, and yet he yearned for every single one of the touches.  
  
“...Was it good?” the werewolf suddenly asked.  
  
“I already said it wasn’t hurting.” It felt like it should be obvious, not to mention for all the noises he had made during the sex; did Lupin want to embarrass him by asking, he wondered.

“But did it feel _ good _?” The mutt insisted. 

“...Yes.” Severus admitted and buried his nose against the werewolf’s shoulder, the dark hair covered his face, hiding him from the world. It felt… good, more specifics he would probably have to ponder on his own at some point. For the moment he’d rather just lay right there, rest, hide from the world, and enjoy all the comfort which was provided right then. Lupin seemed to take said hint as he did pull the covers over them. Severus kept his eyes closed, even as he spoke: “Did you feel good?” He felt anxious asking, he found that he actually wanted to know, cared if the other liked the experience as much as he had.  
  
“Yes.” Lupin answered without hesitation and stretched his neck, followed by kissing Severus on the head, nuzzling his nose into his hair. “You felt amazing.” Severus had no words to answer, and simply nuzzled closer.  
  
\-----

Having slept in someone else’s arms was… a pleasure he hadn’t known that he yearned for until he had actually experienced it. Waking up warm, feeling the scent of another person’s hair, body aching just ever so slightly-... Oh.  
  
What followed was a horribly embarrassing morning. It was hard to walk, it wasn’t that he couldn’t, but his muscles protested a lot, and therefore Lupin wouldn’t let him, and he resigned to staying in bed, watching the teenage werewolf fuss about, both with him and trying to clean up properly. Apparently Lupin made a habit of trying to clean the Shack every month, and well, they had been rather distracted from his task the previous night. Worse yet, the breakfast which had been placed in the Shack was clearly for two people, meaning that someone, somewhere, was aware of what they had been up to and Severus had no words for how embarrassed he was with having let himself do something like all of this. Although, he wouldn’t exchange the experience for anything in the world. It had been increasingly difficult not to smile to himself, even as he left the werewolf in the Shack. Shamefully enough, he realised that he was already looking forward to the werewolf’s return.  
  
\-----

“So it didn’t work at all?”  
  
Lupin had returned from the Shack, and soon Severus managed to find and be alone with him in the study room. He could immediately tell that the other was upset, it was evident in the other’s demeanor and unwillingness to meet his eyes.  
  
Severus was disappointed, yes, but only reasonably so; who would be insane enough to think that there was anything but a miniscule chance that the very first potion and attempt would work out, the chances of it were close to zero.  
  
To his annoyance, Lupin didn’t answer. Severus glanced up from his parchments, studying the other, who looked utterly distracted. What was he even looking at-... was he looking at Severus? At least briefly, it had looked like the werewolf looked at him before gazing away, and the Slytherin student felt a shiver run down his spine, his cheeks heating involuntarily. He had absolutely no bloody clue how to deal with facing someone he had been intimate with, and had opted for the best choice of trying to act professional and distant.  
  
The night of the full moon, Severus had, like many other nights, been awake in his bed, thinking through all of which he had experienced recently. It had been a horribly confusing array of emotions and thoughts, but in the end, he had truly decided that he couldn’t trust Lupin. The intimacy he had experienced with the other had very well nearly clouded his judgement, and it felt more than necessaray to think it all through. He had recalled so many times when the other had just stood there, as Black and Potter proceeded to find new creative ways of hurting Severus, or humiliate him in front of people. Yes, the tragic teenager seemed to have come to a conclusion that Severus was a person; it was a little funny and sad how it had only taken him nearly dying for the werewolf to have the realisation. He just couldn’t trust someone who couldn’t figure something so obvious until so very late. It hurt, his chest hurt, annoyingly so, but he knew that he had to distrust the other, and keep a somewhat distance. He wouldn’t want to imagine what hurt he would experience if he opened up to the other and showed weakness; far too many risks were involved. It wasn’t a pleasant conclusion, but it was certainly the wisest one; one right didn’t make up for years and years of wrong. Lupin would have to prove himself far more for Severus to even dare trusting him a little bit.   
  
“...Lupin? I am speaking with you. I believed you said your attention span only suffered the closer to the full moon.” The question was genuine, but he did scoff at the other, a bit annoyed.  
  
“...No.” The werewolf’s voice was thick when he responded, sounding more emotional than he seemed to want to let on. “I feel so stupid… To actually think it would work and then… I still woke up in the woods.” Lupin bit his lower lip after he had finished speaking, and it was evident just how disappointed he was that the potion hadn’t worked. Fool.  
  
“It would have been a little too easy if it had worked.” Annoyingly, he found himself wanting to encourage the other, not entirely certain why he should, after his realisations the previous night. He didn’t look up at the other still, and simply kept to his work. 

“...What… do you mean?” He could almost feel that he was being watched intensely.  
  
For the love of-... “If the only thing one needed to do to keep a werewolf in check was to put them to sleep, it would be known as a common solution.” Severus looked up, eyes reflecting annoyance; it felt like it should be absolutely obvious that they were just taking the very first step on a rather long journey, one which Severus was absolutely determined to complete. “Now that we have confirmed that it does not work, I will look on other aspects of potions. The biggest problem is to keep the adrenaline from the transformation to keep from overpowering the potion. I have various ideas, but I have to work on them one at a time. A lot of this will have to be checking things off as working or not working.”

The answer Lupin gave was a positively moronic one; “You’re… not giving up?” Of course he wouldn’t give up after the first try! Nobody who wanted to get anything done, achieve anything in life, gave up after the very first try. It felt so very tragic to know how deeply Lupin wallowed in hopelessness, so much so that Severus feared he would end up comforting the other again, and thus, started packing his things, as he spoke to the other: “I have just begun. Nobody who actually wishes to gain results gives up that easily.” Then he left, trying to suppress the increasingly conflicting and bothersome emotions he was feeling.  
  
\-----

Severus couldn’t help but to feel like he was making an enormous mistake.  
  
Full moons arrived and passed and he had, almost greedily, accepted to have sex with the werewolf again upon finally being asked to. He had wanted it, if he really dared admitting it to himself, it had probably been the main reason he wanted to return to the Shack, and that he wanted to return to the other’s embrace, now that he knew the taste of it.  
  
He didn’t dislike Lupin’s company, not truly. When the other was on his own, his intellect showed. The Gryffindor boy was intellectual yes, but quite like Lily seemingly not very wise, as he fell into thinking rather stupid things at times. Severus tried to think that he was only taking what he wanted from the other, but he knew well that he cared, he knew well that he was baring himself to the other, and knew well that he awaited a potentially upcoming, unknown, disaster, like an invisible dark cloud on the horizon which only he noticed. They were getting familiar with each other’s bodies, quite so; Severus found that he was getting a little bolder, dared demanding things, dared asking for things which weren't unreasonable to demand, dared to touch the other, to try things on his own. He still found that he really enjoyed having the other teenager inside of him, that he enjoyed being pleasured, and it was very compatible with Lupin’s canine nature. Everything they were doing went against what he had reasoned, and he very often reminded himself to not trust the other completely, but he was certainly losing control of the situation. Mh. 

The third time they had sex, however, Lupin ended up saying something alarming. Severus had made a rather snappy comment on the other’s obsession with smelling his hair, as it was getting… weird. It wasn’t a bad kind of weird, per say, if anything it felt a little good to know that someone was enjoying his hair, seeing the fact that his hair was Black’s go to favourite insult towards him.  
  
“Do you have a scent fetish,” he had snapped at the other, following up with pointing out that Lupin was almost always doing it.  
  
“Maybe I have ‘your scent’ fetish.” The werewolf chuckled, cuddling closer, while nuzzling into the space behind his right ear, sending shivers through his body.  
  
…  
  
Did he actually hear that correctly? An uncomfortable feeling hit him, one of uncertainty. What if Lupin actually did care for him more than he cared for the other. Dogs were very affectionate, and Lupin was clearly someone who had a bit of a hard time controlling himself. He could only imagine the results disastrous… he didn’t know why he feared the idea that the other would genuinely like him. He didn’t believe there was anything there to like, not truly, and he couldn’t imagine it would turn out favorably for either of them. There really wasn’t a world in his head where he would be happy together with someone else, at least not one he had managed to imagine thus far.  
  
Mh, he needed to say something too, “That was horrible. Please don’t tell me that was a line you stole from any of your friends…” 

**  
** “No, it just seemed like a good comeback.” It was a terrible comeback, it held too many implications.  
  
Silence followed, and Severus started feeling antsy. He couldn’t help but to ask, he needed a confirmation, a proper rejection: “Do you have feelings for me?” 

“No...not really. I mean, I like you. I really like having sex with you, and I like you for everything you do for me… But it’s… I mean… I don’t think I’m in love or anything like that. But I do appreciate you… a lot, even…” 

…  
  
That wasn’t what he had expected to hear, and yet, perhaps it was. He knew that someone should logically be able to fall in love with him, but in practice, he didn’t believe such a thing would ever happen. The slight distress in Lupin’s voice made it harder for Severus to believe that his words were sincere. To the Slytherin, it sounded more like a false reassurance that he wasn’t just using him, and found that he would rather have preferred if both of them admitted to using each other. He was using Lupin, after all, for his research, for a chance to do something no one else had managed.  
  
Right, answers it was: “I see…” He tried not to sound too unsure of himself, but he truly didn’t know what to make of the answer yet, and thus didn’t have any better words to reply with. Lupin followed up by a question that startled him enough to dare looking at the other, taken a bit off guard.  
  
“...Do you… want to stop having sex…?” The werewolf sounded worried.  
  
All he could manage in response was heaving a sigh and answering honestly, “...No, I… like it. I don’t want to...stop it.” It was hard to admit, but he felt motivated by the scared look on the other’s face, he didn’t like seeing the werewolf hurt and scared, Lupin was tragic as it was already.  
  
“Good… It helps a lot… I’ve never felt this good, the nights before, I mean.” 

There was an alarming intensity in the other’s voice, something that made Severus feel things again which he didn’t want to notice. Immediately, he tried to flee from the notion.

He reached out to ruffle the werewolf’s hair. “I guess… I wonder if… No, nevermind. Can you go again?”  
  
A distraction. They both needed a distraction. They were only using one another to gain safety and comfort.  
  
\-----

“I’m not even going to try to voice the stupidity of this. He has harassed you for years, and now, what, he was being a little sweet you said? You could invite anyone you’d want to, he’s not worth it.”  
  
Lily looked distressed at his answer, like she somehow had hoped for something else. What did she want Severus to say, even. She looked hurt, he despised when he knew he was hurting her with the truth.  
  
Winter was approaching, and thus was the Yule Ball; they had gotten talking to one another after class, and in asking about his intentions for the Yule Ball, Lily had, carefully, admitted to accepting an invite to the Ball by no other than James Potter.  
  
Severus hadn’t words to describe the ugly feelings he felt well inside of him upon the revelation. They all boiled down to one sensation: betrayal. Even his best friend, even someone he had cared for since childhood, would choose to go to the Ball with his bully, with someone who was harassing and hurting him, and he was expected to accept it, to simply nod and be happy for her. He couldn’t be happy for her, he couldn’t help but yet again have it confirmed how little he mattered, how little he meant.  
  
Still, he had even managed to keep away from a fight, even if he could feel how the air had tensed between them, almost as if Lily was expecting to have to have a fight with him on the topic. It hurt. It hurt indescribably that she was willing to put up a fight for Potter. He had no idea where the notion had come from, where this all started. He hadn’t seen either of the two enough to know if they had somehow gotten closer over the year. 

He was being the mature participant, he was keeping all of his hurt to himself, fearing to lose the person who meant the most in the world to him. “You are showing him that his behaviour has been acceptable by accepting, I can’t-.. It can hardly end anything but badly.”  
  
She looked like she was about to protest, like she was jumping between wanting to attack to protect herself, and not managing to speak up, knowing well what Severus felt about Potter, and that his warnings were very sensible.  
  
He despised caring so much for people. He despised sacrificing for people, because he knew well that he shouldn’t expect any of it in return. Maybe a vain, small part of him would have wished to go with her, as her friend, because she was someone he trusted and felt good with. Of course he would never fool himself such a thing would happen; people talked, Black and Potter would hardly leave them alone, and Lily deserved a Ball of the kind every girl seemed to dream of, and Severus wouldn’t wish her anything but that.  
  
He heaved a sigh, looking away, “I can’t say I haven’t warned you... Did you decide upon what dress cut you wanted? You always said you wanted a longer flaring skirt, and something sleeveless.” It had been two years ago, but he still remembered. Back then, Lily had been embarrassed by the freckles on her shoulders and upper arms, and Severus had assured her that it was something people found attractive, and that it was something she shouldn’t be ashamed of.  
  
“Oh, uhm, I was sort of thinking that I might go for a longer more fit design, the girls and I have seen a lot of dresses with pretty lace, that American sort of style, uh, what was it called, Hollywood?”  
  


“Yes, Hollywood.”  
  
He paused, thinking it over for a moment, “I don’t think you should. I don’t doubt you would look lovely in it, but you like dancing, you’re good at dancing, and you don’t want anything but your heels limiting your movement; a flared skirt is easier to move in.” He was good at giving logical advice.  
  
“Oh… right,” she answered, seemingly deep in thought, a little embarrassed but happy. It was the usual response he got when he reminded her of something obvious, as long as he tried not to sound insulting… it was endearing.  
  
They talked for just a bit longer, mostly about her, as it tended to be, and mostly about what would look the best on her for the Ball, and Severus felt an increasing amount of dread, until she excused herself and left. Lily seemed to trust his opinion more than her other friends, which was still something he supposed was nice, but only because he was clearly more honest, and would tell her if something didn’t look good or didn’t work out. He was very relieved to have avoided a fight, the very thought of her choice of partner was heartbreaking, because it showed her priorities so very clearly. It always felt like Lily would turn away from him at some point, and if she would come to like Potter, he couldn’t imagine anything but having to give up his only real friend. It all felt like a pang of distrust overwhelming him, how could he trust someone who would make such a decision, she knew how horrible Potter and his friends were! Well,-... not all of them, but him and Black. 

  
He very much wanted to escape, didn’t want to think about it. He did not want to get teary eyed or emotional over the fears of losing his only friend. He didn’t want to think of Lupin either, as the risks of losing Lily made him think about friendships. Besides, it wasn’t like he could put up a fight about the matter, if he started fighting, he already knew who would lose; it applied to both the so called ‘friendships,’ friendships which he had started doubting more and more.  
  
Whatever he had with Lupin, it was clearly a secret; Lily at least had the guts to be his friend in public. Nothing changed while within the walls of Hogwarts, when outside of their little appointed study room; Potter and Black had not been targeting him too actively lately, but they were still hurting him. He couldn’t help but glance at Lupin at the times they were insulting him, when they passed him, giving him a push to try to trip him, or when they came up with other horrid pranks. They truly weren’t friends. How could he bring himself to trust someone who wouldn’t be what a friend should be? Was he always going to be expected to give to others without anything in return? Hardly, he would enjoy anything he could from Lupin. Right then, after Lily’s words, he just really didn’t want to see him, or anyone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin spoke out of the blue, and Severus could feel the color drain from his skin. 
> 
> “If… you’re not having one already… do you want to go to the Ball with me?”

He found that nowhere he turned, he could not get the dialogue out of his head; he could not get Lily’s betrayal out of his head. The conversation from earlier that day just hung over his head, forced him to think back to it. He decided that he should distract himself with his research, and went to the Library’s potion section. 

He should probably have tried to hide somewhere, had he been clever, he should have returned to the Slytherin common room, because even if he wasn’t alone, at least he was free from Gryffindor students altogether, and thus safe from bullies or ‘friends.’  
  
Of course, of all bloody days possible, the werewolf had to manage to sniff him out, and come join him in studying. He didn’t have the heart to just turn Lupin away, a weakness he had developed over the past months that was starting to greatly bother him. Besides, he did not want Black to accidentally find him then, the last thing on the very Earth he wanted right then was to hear what Black would try to hurt him with, based on Lily going to the Yule Ball with Potter. He couldn’t help but look around at least once, just to make sure that Lupin was alone. He was in a terrible mood, and tried to not let it show too much. Lupin wasn’t his friend, not really, thus, he couldn’t do anything as silly as seeking comfort in him, especially not in broad daylight, especially not among people. 

Lupin spoke out of the blue, and Severus could feel the color drain from his skin.  
  
“If… you’re not having one already… do you want to go to the Ball with me?”  
  
No. He couldn’t take it, not that day. He was used to harassment, he was used to disappointment, but he wouldn’t take another betrayal, not that day. For what felt like an eternity, he found himself staring at Lupin, bewildered, as all the dark feelings he had tried to suppress during the day surfaced again.  
  
He panicked, and the only way he knew how to handle panic and hurt was by shutting down, by scoffing and trying to act unmoved. He wasn’t unmoved, he wasn’t even certain if his voice was entirely steady, but luckily, it was. “Very funny. You’re absolutely hilarious.” He quickly decided to retreat, and closed the book he had been reading; he needed to get out of there. 

“Wait, I wasn’t… I did mean it.”  
  
Don’t. Please don’t. 

“No. The answer is no.” 

He had to get out before he would lose himself. He did not want to cry, he had prided himself in not crying in public for years.  
  
“...I… I don’t understand… why are you mad?” Lupin suddenly proclaimed. Was that even supposed to be hard to understand-... oh he loathed stupid people so very much. He loathed having to deal with them, loathed having to be the more sensible part, as there was never any appreciation to be gained for it, because of how people saw him. He didn’t answer, so the werewolf reached out to him and spoke again, sounding distressed; “I didn’t mean to insult you.”

He very quickly managed to dodge the arm, terrified of being caught by the strong teenager. No, he was leaving, and Lupin would not stop him. 

“You’d never want to go with me. This is a cruel trick from Potter and Black, isn’t it?” The very overwhelming realisation and betrayal he had felt earlier that day had sparked new fire in his doubt. How would a student who was letting him hurt, who was letting him be hurt by the boy’s own friends, and who was only his friend when it suited him, when he could comfort Lupin,... how would he want to take him to something like the once-in-a-lifetime Yule Ball. It was absolutely unthinkable that they would be seen together, behaving like well, close, in front of everyone. It was absolutely unthinkable, and the only sensible answer was that it hadn’t been Lupin’s idea to begin with. Black would do something like that, he would realise that Lupin had grown closer to Severus and use it against him. Severus needed Lupin’s help still, he probably wouldn’t succeed in finishing the potion, or research about it, if Lupin broke away from him right then. Hence, Lupin could afford giving in to the others’ cruel tricks. Severus felt incredibly, impossibly, betrayed. Why did it hurt so much, it was almost as if it hurt more than what Lily had done to him, that very same day.  
  


Worse yet, Lupin didn’t even have the stomach to deny it! He had efficiently silenced the other by figuring out the circumstances. Wonderful. He had no words, he… he had wanted Lupin to be better than that.  
  
“I’m not going to the Ball whatsoever, so you can tell your friends that they don’t have to continue planning their jokes on me.”  
  
He left, in a hurry. If he was going to cry, he was going to cry alone where no one would find him.  
  
\-----

The past few days had been a disgrace. Severus had, as mentioned, not gone to the Yule Ball, and he would much prefer to not think back to his state of being or emotions. He had managed to avoid Lily completely; he had not yet fully managed to brace himself for the pain that would come with hearing of her evening. He had very much avoided Remus Lupin. Technically, he wouldn’t have to see the other in anything but class until the next full moon, as he already knew what potion he would attempt to make for it.

He had gone to the library only after being absolutely certain that the werewolf and his friends had headed the opposite way. He was merely needing a book, nothing more, one about neurology as he had worked hard recently to try to pinpoint exactly what changed in the brain of the infected by lycanthropy, as they transformed. 

“Could you believe that? One would think a Black had even a bit of dignity, but no.”  
  
An upset voice which was rather unfamiliar to him spoke a name that was so uncomfortable to him that he reacted, despite nor usually listening in on others. They were on the other side of whatever high bookshelf he was standing next to.  
  
Soon, Severus would come to recognise the voice as a rather well known Ravenclaw student by the name of James Morgan. Like some of the other brightest students, he had been mentioned on occasion, not that Severus had paid a lot of attention to him. He had actually worked on a short presentation together with Morgan once, in what, their second year perhaps. It was long ago, and he had no relation to the Ravenclaw student.  
  
Still, he couldn’t help but to freeze up; he had never heard Morgan, and rarely anyone but Lily, sound as upset as the teenager on the other side of the shelves did.  
  
Morgan was being carelessly loud, and had apparently resorted to only refer to Sirius Black by the term ‘whore’ rather than his first name.  
  
To what Severus could understand from what he was hearing, Black had made quite a few advances towards the Ravenclaw student the week before the Ball. As Morgan retold the story, Severus could immediately point out how false it all seemed, because all the behaviour cited of Black seemed sweet and caring, apparently he had made the Ravenclaw student feel so very special that he had accepted the invite to the Ball, despite the rumors about Black. By the sound of it, Black had thoroughly convinced Morgan that he had actual feelings for the poor student. That was beyond cruel, but nothing that in any way surprised Severus.  
  
What apparently was irking and hurting the heartbroken Ravenclaw the most was finding out that, at the Ball, Black was using him to try to make-... what. Did he just hear that right?  
  
Morgan had passionately rambled on about all the things Sirius Black had done to make James Potter jealous, to steal his attention. He wasn’t interested in Lily, couldn’t be so why-... Oh.  
  
Oh.  
  
It felt so stupidly obvious when he thought about it. Perhaps he had even ceased thinking of Black as a person to the point where he forgot that the other still had feelings, it wasn’t like there was a need to care more.  
  
He-... needed to sit down for a bit. What was shocking wasn’t that Black was accused of having feelings for Potter, because when one thought about it, it seemed very obvious. Rather, something else quickly became clear to Severus; Black must have loathed Lily Evans all this time. He wasn’t rude or cruel towards her per say, but he was clearly targeting Severus when she was about, clearly creating distractions, clearly causing a fuss whenever she was around. He hadn't missed the smug expressions on Black's face, the absolute glee when Lily was upset with him and his friends. Severus could-... he could hardly believe it. Yes it made sense. Had he been suffering all these years just for his friendship with Lily, just because Black needed a scapegoat who wasn’t Lily Evans herself. The sheer stupidity of it-...  
  
He couldn’t even tell if it was worth it, not after the Ball, not after the terrible week he had. He loved Lily to the moon and back, but he wasn’t naive enough to forget it was because of how long they had known one another, and that it was simply how people functioned. He cared for her, he wanted to see her happy, he was affected by her happiness, but it was because they had been so very close in the past, even as their relationship felt like it was currently slipping through his fingers. 

He was upset, at… maybe everyone? Teenagers were such idiots, such absolute morons, and he hated himself for how much he had hurt the past days, he couldn’t even consider himself above idiocy, at this point.  
  
\-----

A long time passed until Lily got a hold of him, almost by force. She had wanted to hear from him, worried, and had made him feel guilty for avoiding her, making it seem like his fault for her worrying, even if it clearly wasn’t intentional. 

He had given up by then, he had felt so very depressed the past weeks that he just gave in. He let her speak, he even encouraged her. Apparently, Potter had managed to give her exactly what she wanted in terms of a successful and romantic Yule Ball, he had even been very respectful, and seemingly gentlemanly. He-... couldn’t muster to care, he couldn’t muster to not believe her; it would only serve in everyone’s favour if Potter had just any redeeming qualities, if he wouldn’t intentionally hurt Lily.  
  
He got a little bit of comfort from hearing that she would try to ensure that Potter wouldn’t mess with him, that she wouldn’t stand for it. He… didn’t really dare believing her, but at least she had said it. 

\-----

  
He clearly needed to somehow gain control of himself. For the first time, he had been displeased by being in the same room as his classmates, as Lupin, to a point where it had affected his learning.  
  
Interestingly, and perhaps even predictably, Potter was spending more time around Lily, and therefore less time around Black. As much as it hurt, he had by then accepted that he was losing his friend, resigned to the fact. 

Someone who clearly hadn’t resigned to the fact, however, seemed to be Black; anyone in school could tell that he was in a horrible mood, and willing to take it out over just anyone. Severus tried his best to avoid the others, and luckily, Black seemed too upset to want to be around Potter and Lily, to a point where Severus had remained in their presence against his own will, just to remain safe, even if never close enough to have to deal with Potter. It was an unpleasant compromise, but one he was willing to abide for his safety.  
  
One day as he was leaving a study room, having read up for a test the upcoming week, he heard Black’s unpleasant voice calling out to him.  
  
“I thought something was stinking up the corridor, do you ever wash yourself, Stinky?”  
  
He immediately tensed up. He hadn’t felt proper fear in quite some time by then, as Potter was too busy with Lily, and Black had seemed to not want anything to do with anyone. Quickly, he glanced up to notice Pettigrew and… Lupin. Great, he did not feel in the mood for that. He dared looking up at Black’s face, and after everything he had heard… the other seemed sort of pathetic, sort of tragic.  
  
“I see you finally caught scent of yourself, Black.” He responded at last, cursing internally for not daring to keep eye contact with the psychotic teenager. He was going to walk away, he couldn’t deal with this, not after the past few weeks. Something felt different, alarmingly, frighteningly different. Black felt… like an agitated animal, and not like the smug bastard he tended to act like; Severus really did not like the feeling which was growing in his gut. He was definitely walking away, praying to all higher beings he did not particularly believe in that Black would leave him be, or that he could by luck run into a teacher. 

“How does it feel that your crush finally dumped you for James? You’re never going to get her now, bignose.” 

He stopped. He had known that he would have to deal with Black at some point, he knew the psychotic teenager would try to hurt him. He had thought he was prepared. Still, he felt something dark well up inside him. For a moment he glanced at Lupin, and felt a sour taste in his mouth, one he had started recognising very well: betrayal. He had always known he’d be betrayed by the people he let close, but now that it was actually happening all around him, it was difficult, far more difficult than he had ever managed to brace himself for.  
  
He spoke before he could think; Black deserved even an ounce of the pain he was trying to push onto Severus, for no better reason than looking for a punching bag, for no better reason than the coincidence that he had happened to know Lily Evans; “Yes, Black… How does it feel to be dumped?”

It felt… no, it really didn’t feel good. None of his pain would disappear just because he tried to hurt Black. There was no real gratification in it, there was no point, he just felt… bad.  
  
He didn’t have much of a chance to feel bad about the words, however, because Black snapped. Severus could see the insanity in the teenager’s eyes, murderous intent, as the tall teenager stepped forward. He reached for his wand, feeling panic well up inside of him. He had always feared what Black would do to him, but never had he realised just how scared he was; there was no telling what a psychopath could do, there was no telling where the boundaries were, there was no stopping him.  
  
Aside from a werewolf.  
  
Everything happened so fast, so much so that Severus couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing until he heard Black’s voice shouting: “By Merlin’s dick, what are you doing?!” He couldn’t see Black, for his view was entirely obscured by a tall body he had become all too familiar with. 

Remus Lupin had just stepped beside the two of them. He had… stopped Black.  
  
“That’s enough. You’ve been acting like an angry child since the ball, stop taking it out on others.”

“It’s just Snivellus, what does it matter!” 

“There’s nothing ‘just’ about him, so back off.”

Severus felt his head spinning, and couldn’t help but stand frozen, observing the absolute absurdity taking place in front of his eyes. He wasn’t certain he was hearing right, that what he was witnessing was actually happening.  
  
“Since when do you care? He’s a snotty, disgusting, unwashed little brat who never did anything but being a creepy stalker towards Lily Evans!” He would have thought Black’s words would hurt more, but at that point, they had been repeated to him to a point of numbness. 

“Sirius. Back. Off.” He could hear Lupin growl, something he had only known the teenager to do when he lost control of his emotions or frustrations the day before a full moon, there were days left until the next full moon.  
  
Then, a miracle happened; Sirius Black gave up. Even with his sight of the madman partly obscured, he could tell how upset the other was, as he stomped off. Only then did Severus even recall that Pettigrew was there as well, because said boy scurried after Black in a hurry, leaving him alone with his saviour.  
  
Severus was almost entirely certain that he would tremble if he moved, and made certain to be completely still, as he tried hard, so very hard, to not break into tears. It had been almost six entire bloody years! He had gotten hurt, humiliated, had his belongings and clothes ruined, having developed scars that might never disappear from him, fearing human contact, fearing people, even if he could keep it within him most of the time. He had nearly been killed!  
  
Lupin turned to look at him, and from having been around the werewolf, and studying him for some time, he could tell that the other was rather shaken, but wasn’t in a state fit to care about the notion. He could not find his ability to speak, feeling far too numb and overwhelmed.  
  
“...I’ll… be going then,” Lupin said awkwardly.

Please leave. It’s too much, I can’t take it.  
  
Lupin did leave, to his great relief, but stopped before he rounded the corner of the corridor, and turned back towards Severus.  
  
For the love of-... go!  
  
“Uh, I… I’m sorry I never did that before. Stopped him, I mean.” 

No, you are six years too late.  
  
With those words, Severus was left alone in the corridor. For a few more moments, he was entirely unmoving; luckily, they had been fairly alone and there didn’t seem to be a lot of onlookers.  
  
He felt like his knees would go weak enough for him to fall, but quickly realised that the study room he had used was still empty and, thus he barged himself in, sinking together on the floor, when his body finally gave in. The reaction was much like the after shock of the first time he had seen the werewolf, when he had nearly been killed. His body was trembling both from fear of how Black might have hurt him, of what might have happened, but also from an unfamiliar sensation of finally, for once in his life, being protected for real. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, Lily had protected him many times, but it felt… enormous, too heavy to describe. Lily had never put herself in danger for him, not quite like that, which he was rather glad that she hadn’t. 

It felt so impossibly cruel, he didn’t want to have hopes, he didn’t want those hopes ripped from him. He didn’t want it to mean the world to him that Lupin had defended him, but realised that it felt almost impossibly hard to control his emotions.  
  
He spent several hours in there, and actually missed one of his classes. Luckily, missing classes was something so very rare for him that the teachers would believe any excuse, really. After that day, he didn’t go to the Shack at full moon, he didn’t even complete the potion.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To almost a surprise, Lupin was smiling at him! The werewolf looked positively bloody pleased with himself, almost uncharacteristically so, as he responded; “You’re welcome.” 
> 
> “I wasn’t thanking you,” he bit back quickly, feeling his cheeks heat ever so slightly.
> 
> “I know.” Lupin assured him, the dumb smile still plasted all over his face.

The weeks passed on past the full moon he had missed out on. It wasn’t like he needed to make the potion work until his final year, but he still knew how hard it would be, how much time might he would need, and thus was a little ashamed for having missed out on a month. It couldn’t be helped though… he had not been in a state fit for brewing potions to be consumed by any person. 

It didn’t get much easier after that, his feelings were conflicting and overbearing, and he knew that he was in too deep with Lupin; at some point there would come a disaster, he was certain of it.  
  
Something incredibly strange and almost alarming was how Potter had started treating him like a human being, but in a clumsy, insensitive way of a person who didn’t think of the fact that he had left scars by hurting Severus for so long. Every time Potter came close he expected to be hurt somehow, he tensed up, but it was slowly getting easier and easier.  
  
Lily had been convinced that Potter was doing it for her, and found the notion incredibly romantic, apparently. Severus had an entirely different idea, he knew who was likely behind it all, but didn’t have the heart to tell that to his so very excited friend. It felt positively ridiculous, all of a sudden, it was like Lupin was trying to make up for all the failed years. He… needed to ask. He would not want to imagine that it would feel like to start thinking that Lupin was behind the fact that his friends were finally leaving him alone, some even making an effort to be nice, only to find out that he had been mistaken. He made certain to have a good excuse to see the other, namely by brewing the potion he had intended to make last month.  
  
He managed to catch Lupin in the library, one evening.  
  
Severus was still nervous and tense over the idea of speaking to the other, but found himself able to, with almost false bravado, swiftly walk over to Lupin, and address him with a tone of disgust in his voice; “Potter has been acting exceptionally creepy.”

He sat down on a chair, making sure to not sit down right next to the other, and avoided eye contact, but still felt like he was managing to seem annoyed, rather than emotional. “As a matter of fact, he… touches me,” he continued, disgust for his words still evident in the tone. It was true that it was bothering him, it made him feel other things too yes, but it was bothering him. He did make a face of disgust before he continued yet again.  
  
“By Merlin’s beard, who told him it was an acceptable way of greeting to slam the palm of his hand into another person’s back? Surely, he isn’t as stupid to think that I would appreciate being manhandled? It is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention unpleasant. I am assuming that you have something to do with this all?” There, it should suffice without him getting emotional again.  
  
To almost a surprise, Lupin was smiling at him! The werewolf looked positively bloody pleased with himself, almost uncharacteristically so, as he responded; “You’re welcome.”  
  
“I wasn’t thanking you,” he bit back quickly, feeling his cheeks heat ever so slightly.

“I know.” Lupin assured him, the dumb smile still plasted all over his face.  
  
He was confused to say the least, but at least he could keep up the act in the scenario rather well, and therefore continued, because he felt like he was fairly stable; “I was assuming you’d want me to thank you, or similar to that,” he responded. He needed to know more of Lupin’s intentions, what he expected out of Severus. No one had ever done something even remotely close for him. He wasn’t certain how he was supposed to react to it.

“What sort of bogfly would I be if I expected to be thanked for something I should have done years ago?” Lupin’s smile died on his lips, as he stared down at his homework. “I’m just… glad they actually listened to me, and stopped. I know you don’t like the way he is acting, but surely it’s preferable to the alternative? He’ll probably stop slapping your back sooner or later…” 

Severus hadn’t expected to hear that, and thus looked away from Lupin to avoid letting the other see his reaction to the words. A ridiculous thing he noted was that he ever so slightly felt like his pulse speeding up, he could feel his face turning even more red. It was awful, he was glad that the light in the library was quite dim, since it was getting late and there wasn’t much sunlight coming in through the windows. He opted for distracting himself from the feelings, by focusing on Lupin instead. “So you didn’t think your friends would listen to you; what a pleasant friendship you must have.”

He was upset, he knew that he was upset. It all felt so impossibly stupid, and he was getting all too affected, all too trusting, with someone who hadn’t made himself deserving of it for real. Severus was just weak and open to the act the other had performed, he had so desperately wanted to be saved, he wasn’t a fool, he wasn’t going to fall for it. 

“...They did listen.”

“You didn’t expect them to.”

“But they did. I was wrong.” 

“I wonder for how long you can stop them.” He commented dryly. “Black seems more agitated than ever. The rumors surrounding him are becoming worse than they used to.” He was scared, it wasn’t like he was out of danger, not truly.

“He is going through some hard times right now, he will get over it.” Lupin answered as he put his quill into the ink bottle, turning his full attention towards Severus. It was a little easier to look at the teenage werewolf right then, he felt like he had mostly calmed down, as he sighed. “...Are you aware that you are always excusing their behavior, no matter what they do?” The words weren’t nearly as accusing as they could be, but it was getting ridiculous. He was getting his hopes up, and he knew it, and he wanted to probe, to test the other.  
  
The werewolf sighed. “I… Haven’t we been… over this before? I’m not trying to excuse it, it’s just…”

“Just what?”

“...No, you… are right, I am.” Lupin actually admitted, resting his forehead against the palm of his own hand. “But they listened, they have gotten better, at least for now. I’ll try my best to make sure that they stay like this, isn’t that enough? Isn’t it enough for now?”

What was he even supposed to say to that. It was huge, it was a ridiculously big achievement; it was an achievement that had changed his everyday life rapidly over just a few weeks. It was a terrifyingly great deal. 

“I suppose it will do. But I am doubtful it will last.”   
  
Lupin didn’t seem the slightest bit content with his answer, and groaned, sounding annoyed. It warranted some anxiety in Severus, and he tried hard not to let it show. He had found that he positively loathed feeling hopeful, it was a dreadful, horrifying sensation.  
  
After a bit, Lupin spoke, “I… don’t know what you expect me to be able to do about it. I’ll try to keep him from taking it out on you, that’s the least I can do, but I don’t think I can help him when he is like this…”

The words once more took him aback just ever so slightly, and he swallowed answering before he could think it over properly, “...I see.”  
  
He… thought he had gotten his answer. It was starting to make ever so slightly sense. Before he could make his escape, he decided to try to make it seem like he hadn’t only come to talk about Potter’s unwarranted niceness. He brought the potion bottle out and put it in front of the werewolf, followed up by speaking in a whisper so low that a normal person wouldn’t truly hear, but Lupin wasn’t normal; “I didn’t manage to finish it in time this month, but in theory, this is a muscle relaxation potion, one that should assist in calming that. Before I start experimenting with other types of potions, I need to know what effect a muscle relaxation potion has.”  
  
The werewolf grabbed the potion bottle, almost like it was some sacred treasure, looking like he was close to crying-... what the name of all Magi was he-... 

“I… Thank you…! Thank you so much,” said werewolf continued, looking so stupidly, incredibly, sincerely happy.  
  
Severus felt his cheeks heat again, for the love of-.. He had just managed to calm down! He pulled his cloak closer around himself and looked away. “Merlin’s beard… you don’t have to act that surprised…” It felt so stupid, he wanted to be insulted by the fact that it somehow seemed that Lupin would have thought that he gave up on his project. He wasn’t only doing it for the werewolf’s sake! Of course he wasn’t about to give up.  
  
He left the teenager to his studies, and almost swore that if Lupin would have had a tail, it would have wagged overly excitedly. 

\-----

Some days later something rather strange happened; Severus was approached by a stranger. He had, of course, expected to be accused of something or have to defend himself, but rather, it seemed that the girl wanted to praise his abilities in class, mostly in terms of potion brewing, as well as the fact that he had created a few spells over his years at the school. The talk was rather brief, he found out that she was in the seventh year, and evidently a Slytherin based on her robes, but she left. It didn’t take too long however before he ran into her again, this time with friends of hers, who were-... interested in him. It was strangely unfamiliar to be treated nicely, to be treated like a person; he should probably thank himself lucky to have had practice with Lupin and Potter, or he might have made an embarrassment out of himself.  
  
The whole matter seemed very suspicious to Severus, and well, he had been right to think it was, as he soon found out that the girl had been a Death Eater, and so had her friends.  
  
Death Eaters were just… well it was a very stupid concept. Pureblooded wizards and witches had always had this ridiculous superiority complex going for them, a wish to be better than others. Severus hadn’t bothered or cared too much, but he did know that purebloods valued achievement. He was… surprised that so many of them seemed to enjoy his presence and knowledge in school related matters, despite the fact that at least some of them must have known that he was a half-blood.  
  
Regulus Black, someone he had occasionally managed to talk to in the past, had approached him more than ever too. The young man wasn’t unpleasant, he had all the proper behaviour and common sense which his older brother lacked, and seemed to have respectfully remained at a distance because he was younger, and older students seldom wanted to spend time around younger students.  
  
While he couldn’t in any way agree with the Death Eaters, and what they promoted, he found something interesting… they were uniting students of different ages, they were showing kindness and understanding to one another due to a companionship they felt from the little, well, cult they had created around themselves. He had heard that some students had gone too far with their beliefs and hurt other students but he couldn’t care that much, it didn’t sound worse than what he had survived the past six years, not even remotely. 

He had never really imagined that he would have friends other than Lily, or live and socialise like a normal teenager, mostly due to how the first years had started out; once he was getting into the habit of it, it was becoming rather natural. He was never once hiding the fact that he wasn’t a pureblood, but it seemed like the students were willing to ignore the fact, almost pretend he wasn’t a half-blood, just for the sake of being around him, due to who he was. He felt appreciated. He felt like his achievements meant something.  
  
Regulus Black took time to apologise for his brother’s behaviour, something that felt very strange since Black hadn’t been at his throat for almost a month, but he… appreciated it.  
  
He really didn’t like what a lot of what the Death Eaters thought or reasoned, but hoped that they would grow out of it as they matured. The only quality that seemed good with their group was that they looked out for one another. It made Severus feel rather safe around them.

\-----

He had gathered enough courage to visit Lupin in the Shack, as the full moon approached, reasoning that, alright, fine, perhaps the werewolf had proven himself deserving of it. He tried to think he was doing it for the teenage mutt’s sake, knowing well how desperate and lonely Lupin got, but it was hard to fool himself that he didn’t want to go.  
  
The first thing he was met with was Lupin, moving towards him at an alarmingly fast pace and-... “Ow…!” He suddenly found himself on the floor, with the werewolf over him, nuzzling him, almost like a dog upon its owners return. It was-... ridiculous, he felt a little dizzy, chest fluttering. “Whatever was that good for? You’re heavy…” He complained, grunting as he was vigorously nuzzled. “Ugh… I see you have equally hard to control yourself… So I suppose it’s not… exactly your fault. Would you get off me now?”

“Sorry… I… I just can’t believe you’d… that you actually came here again. I… yes… I really did fail at controlling myself.” Remus said, and lowered his head like a guilty dog. It was… endearing, endearing the same way Lily had been at times. Perhaps, just perhaps, Lupin was proving himself more than Severus had dared hope. He sighed, and reached out to pet the other’s hair, needing to soothe his need of touching the other, as it was increasingly hard not to when the other was being so very clingy. Lupin laughed at him in response! How, the damned mutt he-... mnh. He looked away, and Lupin offered him some chocolate, which he decided to accept. 

They managed to keep things somewhat normal after that. Severus opted to assist the other in catching up with school work, as it would keep both of them busy, and keep the atmosphere somewhat lighthearted, to avoid heavy topics. 

Carefully, and very much like a dog, Lupin finally managed to ask him if he was going to stay the night. Of course he was going to stay the night! He simply nodded, and felt his heart flutter, according to himself unnecessarily, as the other moved in to kiss him. Oh… he had missed the sensation of kisses; Lupin truly was affecting him infuriatingly well, and it felt too good.  
  
Every touch was thrilling, and he had almost, just maybe, accepted the other’s desire for him. Having gotten somewhat used to people showing interest in him as of lately had helped in his attitude towards the idea of being attractive to the werewolf, perhaps it wasn’t entirely impossible… 

He allowed himself to feel good, allowed himself to relax, and thus, they ended up having sex, first on the very carpet they had been sitting on, and just maybe, perhaps, he had enjoyed Lupin’s impatience, and then they had moved to the bed to continue.  
  
Admittedly, he found that he trusted the other, and enjoyed how rough and desperate Lupin had been during the sex, almost as if making up for mistakes and hurt they both had experienced as of recently. He felt completely exhausted as he laid down in the bed, having allowed the other to embrace him from behind, finding that he was very comfortable right there.  
  
“Snape?” He could feel Lupin push his nose against his ear, as the werewolf spoke to him; “Are you alright?” 

“Mhn.”

“Was I too rough? You’re not bleeding or anything but…” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure, I…” Oh, he could be such a worrywart-... he turned around and pressed their lips together, feeling a rush of excitement in finding that he dared to, that he wasn’t afraid of taking the initiative anymore.  
  
Having managed to silence the werewolf completely through a kiss was a little bit of a power trip, and he smiled to himself as he turned away from the other; “I’m fine. I wanted it like that. Now please… let me sleep, I’m exhausted.” They fell asleep together, and the hope he felt wasn’t entirely terrifying. Perhaps he could dare to believe that things were getting better.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’ve been hanging out with Death Eaters, haven’t you?”

Perhaps things were getting better, truly.  
  
Severus felt like he was starting to make sense of lycanthropy, not in a know-it-all and vain kind of way, but like it was starting to make sense. The potions he was making were starting to at least have mild effects on the other, and he was starting to understand what parts he could affect of the human mind, and perhaps even a bit of where the human ended and the werewolf began. He had more than enough material for his written assignment, and the biggest challenge had been to limit his paper to the correct number of words and content.

He felt like he had a plan, like he could get somewhere within this profession. Potion brewing had never been his favourite art, but it had always been something he was good at, perhaps his neurotic meticulous care showed in the art. It almost felt like he had a duty to publish all that he had found, a duty towards the wizard community, and a duty towards himself for having worked so hard to find everything out. Perhaps it was rather exciting-... while school was necessary it never truly felt like it was for real, not like they were achieving something. Perhaps it was what made school boring, that it was different and simplified, and not quite like the real deal. His current research was the real deal, something that could be formally and officially published, and make a difference in the world, and it was exciting, very much so.  
  
Lupin seemed to get his hopes up ever so slightly, when he was experiencing visible progress, and it was endearing to see the other be excited for his work, to be hopeful that it might actually work. Things were still better, but as Potter and Lily were spending so much time together, Lupin was very often stuck with the remaining people in their friend group, meaning that Severus really preferred not to spend too much time around him in school. Perhaps-... well he did feel bad for Lupin for having to deal with Black on an everyday basis, but things seemed to run smoothly. Months had passed, and Black had left him alone, so perhaps, despite his body and anxieties telling him to not trust the fact, perhaps even Black was growing up ever so slightly. He didn’t dare believing it fully, but at least he could keep his mind open to the possibility.  
  
Having started to be able to relax had been a bliss, but sometimes very hard too. He found himself a bit more emotional than he used to be. Severus had held things back for so long, that upon finally being out of the frightful reality he had lived in, fearing his bullies, and expecting unpleasantries from all people around him, that only upon finally being able to relax around people did he realised just how hard it had been, and how very much he wanted to avoid ever having to live like that again. Pretending to not feel at all or be affected by anything had been horrible, and even if it was hard to be relaxed, difficult to show emotions, and he was anxious about a lot of matters, it was still better than his previous state of being.  
  
The Death Eaters had opened up his chances to get to know people in his own house, people who previously hadn’t shown interest in or seemed to want to deal with him. There had even been one girl who apologised to him for thinking bad things about him, based on rumors. He didn’t per say like how those who had turned Death Eaters wanted his confirmation to join them, and wanted him to be part of what they did, but they did keep a somewhat respectful distance to him.  
  
An argument some of them had made was that Death Eaters were supposed to fear no one, and tolerate no harassment towards any of them, and thus they would vow to protect him from people like Black; it seemed more or less like the whole school knew how Black had treated him, once it actually came down to it; it had happened so frequently that everyone had seen it at least once. It felt horribly embarrassing, but he couldn’t put a finger on why he was embarrassed when it was Black’s fault. Logically, it shouldn’t be on him, and yet he still experienced shame. 

Severus had considered his relation to the Death Eaters for a while, and perhaps it felt good to have a safety net; he believed them when they said they would protect him, they were constantly proving themselves in protecting one another; they were clearly different from people he was used to, they had a different thinking about matters. He didn’t truly believe he needed them, now that things were getting better, and it felt, perhaps, like people had finally matured somewhat, himself included. Instead, he appreciated their company, and made sure to be nice in return, and not get in their way. People were cruel, they always looked for an enemy, and allies on the way, and he didn’t very much mind, he found that he was too exhausted to really mind. It was stupid, but at that point, he had realised that there was nothing he could do about it really, people just seemed to be acting like that no matter what, and if he couldn’t prevent them from it, he would stay out of it to keep himself safe and sane.  
  
Drifting apart from Lily didn’t hurt as much any longer, he wasn’t anymore bound to her, he wasn’t anymore feeling like he would be all alone in the world if she wasn’t there. Perhaps these last two years wouldn’t be so horrible after all; this year was almost at an end, and Lupin had managed to change a lot of things for him, for the better.  
  
\-----

The final exams were approaching, and he had actually finished most of his current paper on lycanthropy, he was even feeling rather confident about his results, and rather satisfied with his essay. Having gathered far too much material, he was likely to spend most of the summer writing, still. The other day, he had visited the Headmaster and discussed the prospects of actually publishing the essay if it was good enough, as well as finding ways to publish the rest of the information; Albus Dumbledore seemed rather thrilled, which felt like all the confirmation he needed right then.

Severus was sitting outside in the courtyard of the school, daring to read among people, unlike he had in the past. He had been in company until just recently, because he had eaten lunch with people from his own house, and had a conversation with the Death Eater who first approached him, who was evidently trying, in her own polite way, to ask whether he was actually considering to join them. The mark wasn’t really necessary, at least not immediately, and he would still be one of them, supported by them, and cared for. Severus had kept himself rather vague in his answers when it came to agreeing with their ideals, and he hadn’t been especially uncomfortable with them until the girl had said something he didn’t precisely like to hear. She had pointed out that his childhood friend, Lily, was a mudblood and that he could do so much better with them than with her. He had been uncomfortable enough to excuse himself, deciding to want to study for his exams instead.  
  
He wasn’t even certain that Lily was his friend anymore, not truly, at least she didn’t seem to be what any of his new friends were to him, and even Lupin seemed to be able to get to know him better and care more about him. He would just-... rather not think about it. Lily was starting to spend absolutely all her time around Potter, and Severus just couldn’t bring himself to forgive the boy. They weren’t even people who would likely get along in the first place, so the idea of Potter forcing niceness towards him was just-... unpleasant really, he’d much rather not have to think about someone like that at all. After all the cruelty, he felt like there would never come a time where he could be even a little bit comfortable around Potter.  
  
“Snape!”  
  
He was startled to hear the voice calling out so very loudly. It didn’t only attract Severus’s attention, it had been loud enough, sounding almost upset or aggressive, so much so that people around him were reacting as well.  
  
He looked up, and almost immediately spotted James Potter, marching towards him with a fierce determination that chilled his very bones, he immediately felt his heart rate quicken out of fear. Even an abusive or unhealthy relationship was a form of relationship, and Severus recognised the burning look in the other’s eyes. Potter only ever showed determination as such in sports, or when he was about to hurt Severus based on something that likely wasn’t true in the first place. For so many years had Potter been flying at him, unlike Black who always seemed to have fun, but rather seemed like someone who would believe the slightest fault and would immediately attack him. He knew the look, and he grabbed his sleeve that was hiding his wand.

“You got a minute?” Potter wasn’t asking as much as demanding, and Severus tried, with all his might, to fight the fear that was building up in his stomach. He couldn’t possibly count the number of times the Gryffindor student had acted like he could righteously hurt and humiliate Severus for even a hunch of fault he could find in the Slytherin. Fair to say, he was terrified, even more so because he could see Black approaching right behind him, with that very familiar, horrible, almost gleeful expression on his face, that Severus had seen all too many times and perfectly understood the implications of.  
  
He nodded quickly, but hadn’t been prepared for the next question.

“You’ve been hanging out with Death Eaters, haven’t you?”  
  
It was a very straightforward accusation, rather than asking, and even if asking was better than assuming, which had been Potter’s previous strategy all of their years in school. Severus still felt a lump in his throat. His eyes darted around them, and yes, there were still people and Death Eaters around, albeit a bit in the distance, but most of them were as much onlookers as the other students about. What happened in a matter of seconds felt like an eternity.  
  
Severus had friends, and there Potter was, acting high and mighty, like Severus had committed a crime for being treated like a human being by his fellow students. His bully was standing there over him, like a looming predator, and like so many times before the boy was acting like he had the right to attack and hurt him based on thinking Severus had done something wrong. He couldn’t deny his affiliations with the Death Eaters, not when some of them would hear said denial, he didn’t want to, he shouldn’t have to! There was nothing about them, despite their faults, that was inherently worse than Potter himself; why should a bully who thought he could gain entertainment in prying on and hurting those weaker than himself have any right to say that they were in the wrong; those students had never hurt anyone as bad as he had.  
  
He tried to scoff, he truly tried, “what should it matter to you, Potter?” He almost felt his voice tremble, and it felt all the worse knowing that people were looking. He-... hadn’t forgotten per say, it had just nearly been half a year, he had almost recovered ever so slightly from the abuse. He wouldn’t argue that his new friends were particularly good people, he would never say that about anyone who would hurt others to prove their superiority, but Potter if anyone had no right to complain. 

Potter shifted and moved, and Severus was absolutely certain the boy would draw his wand, and before he knew it, he had drawn his own. He wouldn’t be attacked. He wouldn’t let himself be a victim in front of people, not without a fight. He had finally known what it felt like to be just like anyone else, a normal student at Hogwarts who didn’t have to fear for his safety on a daily basis, and he was not giving that up.  
  
Everything after it was sort of a blur, every encounter with Potter and Black was in a sense a battle of life and death; even if that was an exaggeration, that was what it truly felt like, and he needed to defend himself, he wouldn’t let them hurt him again. Potter was infuriatingly good at spells, so much so that he was a genuine threat.  
  
Worse yet, people were gathering about, people were amused. He was being looked at, stared at, treated like an animal that was made dance for the sake of someone else’s entertainment, no matter his own humiliation. They weren’t treating him like a person. Before he knew it, Potter had cast a spell on him that nearly choked his mouth with soap bubbles, so much so that he felt tears sting his eyes, and felt the hurt from being unable to breathe.  
  
“Leave him alone!”  
  
A female voice rang out over the crowd, one which had always been his saviour, his hero. “Are you insane, stop it! He can’t breathe!” Lily ran up to Potter, clearly furious with him, but it was hard to notice anything as he struggled for air. It took far too long to regain control of himself and spit out the remaining soap bubbles, that he barely registered Lily’s argument with Potter. He vaguely heard something about how Potter had just wanted to talk with him-... and felt something dark grow within him. He wasn’t a victim, he wasn’t going to be a victim for the rest of his life! He didn’t have to resign himself to being someone else’s victim. Potter’s blatant lies about not intending to hurt him made him so very angry that he flicked his wand, and managed to give Potter a light scratch in the face. 

“Severus!”  
  
He heard Lily’s voice, but could barely see anything but the look in Potter’s eyes, as he cast another spell at him, and Severus had been just moments too slow. He felt a horrible, all too familiar feeling of being pulled off the ground and up into the air, upside down, without any footing, gawked at by onlookers, and worse yet, he had dropped his wand, unable to reach it from up there. His heart was beating erratically, it felt like it would burst out of his chest. 

Then suddenly, something happened.  
  
Through the crowd and utter chaos, his eyes met with the girl who had approached him for the sake of having him join her and the other Death Eaters. She was far behind the others, with the rest of the onlookers, and the look in her eyes couldn’t possibly be interpreted as something else than ‘what did I tell you.’ Had he proven himself to them, had he said anything at all to join them, none of this would be happening. He would have been safe, he wouldn’t have to withstand the hurt and torture, everything would be over.  
  
“James, for goodness sake, stop it!” Lily was fighting him, but what did it truly matter; she had fought Potter and his friends for years, and never managed to make a difference. She wouldn’t be there for him, she had even chosen Potter over him, despite knowing what a monster the boy was.  
  
Lastly, just for a moment, Severus glanced over at Lupin. He hadn’t actually noticed Lupin holding Black back, as the teenager had let go of the other, and instead saw how the person he had almost wanted to count as his best friend, almost would have wanted to hope was more than that, just stand there, doing absolutely nothing. Nothing had changed. He shouldn’t have ever believed that people would be anything but cruel to him unless they had their own agenda and would receive something in return, like the Death Eaters. If something broke within him at that moment, he was too busy to notice. Lupin would never save him, never be there for him; he could only save himself.  
  
“I don’t need help from a filthy little Mudblood, like her!” 

It was like time and space had frozen for a moment, no words he had ever uttered before tasted so filthy, so very bad, in his mouth. People were all incredibly shocked to hear those words voiced by him. He couldn’t take it anymore; he’d rather be a bad person than a victim, he couldn’t live his life at other people’s mercy!  
  
Lily turned to him, and the look she gave him made his blood feel like it was turning to ice, not out of fear, but out of guilt. “...I’ve defended you all these years… When my friends told me you were like this, I’ve told them that they are wrong. Now I see that you really are all those things I’ve defended you from being… If this is what you want, fine. Don’t talk to me again, Severus.”

Just like that she was gone.  
  
Severus had been right, all his life. She turned away, the very second he acted in the slightest bit unpleasant, the very second he acted out unfavorably. Just like that, everything they had was crushed and stomped upon, just like that, she would leave him behind as if he had never mattered in the first place.  
  
He saw Lupin turn away as well, and honestly, he knew that he should never have expected better.  
  
If the world wanted him to sacrifice just for the bare necessity of safety, then so be it. 

Severus saw something else, something he wouldn’t forget for the rest of his life. Sirius Black was grinning at him, grinning like a maniac. The boy looked like he had waited for this moment all his life, like he had waited for the opportunity to take everything he could away from Severus. It was a sight that would be imprinted in his mind for years to come. He was absolutely convinced, right then, that Black was nothing but an absolute psychopath, someone who he needed protection from, real protection.  
  
Potter only managed a few more threats, he vaguely registered the boy yelling something about apologising, and it was very evident that the Gryffindor student was willing to hurt him to force him to apologise. Suddenly, the other’s wand was thrown out of his hand, and Severus was caught mid air, before he fell and hurt himself. A seventh year boy from his own house had caught him, helped him down onto the ground and asked if he was alright, actually sounding concerned. He looked about to find that the immediate area had almost swarmed with students from his own house, most of them being people he knew personally at this point, most of them being Death Eaters, and they were not going to have any harassment towards anyone they deemed worthy of their attention. The girl who had watched him, the girl who had clearly wanted this all along, was standing between him and the Gryffindor boys, together with several students from different years, and for once, there wasn’t a thing his bullies could do, for once they were outmatched, threatened, and they were forced to leave.  
  
His heart was still beating at a rather insane pace, and he found that his voice was a little shaky, when he confirmed that he was alright, to the student right beside him. He wasn’t certain if he was feeling satisfaction, but he could not anything but experience an utter relief, upon seeing the Gryffindor boys retreat with their tails between their legs, even if they clearly seemed aggressive and like they wanted to start a fight.  
  
He was safe.  
  
They would not let him be hurt by his bullies anymore.  
  
Part of him wondered if the girl had waited for an opportunity like this, something to prove to him that he should have joined them from the very start, something to convince him with. He didn’t want to be a Death Eater, he would never be able to fool himself that he was inherently better than other people, or say such a thing with a straight face, but he would definitely adjust, if it meant his own safety. He wasn’t about to become a Death Eater, but he certainly was done being a victim, once and for all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus hadn’t known joy like the euphoria of finally managing, when he finally got the results back, by Owl, that the potion had worked on a werewolf who had agreed to be subjected to testing it. 
> 
> It worked! It actually worked!

Days passed, and Severus found that he still felt depressed, hurt by his friends’ betrayals, and guilty for what he had done. He felt guilty for hurting Lily, of course he would feel guilty for hurting Lily! He didn’t want to feel hurt for it, but she certainly didn’t deserve to be hurt; it had been a necessity, a sacrifice he had to make for his own safety. He had lost her, and he had done so willingly. She was probably already going away from him, about to disappear with one of his tormentors, and he couldn’t find it in him to believe that there was another way it all could have ended.  
  
Lupin was a different matter altogether-... he didn’t want to see the other, he was scared of meeting the other. He should have known that getting involved with the other was something that could only end miserably, however, he couldn’t quite find himself regretting it fully. He expected the worst of the werewolf, expected him to leave as well.  
  
He had expected the worst, and yet Lupin had to go and make it difficult; Severus got a message to meet the other in the Shack. The message clearly showed that the werewolf wasn’t expecting him to show, as it was already arguing for that Lupin only wanted to talk to him, and nothing else, and how it had nothing to do with Potter or Black-... mnh. It felt hard to know that he had opened up enough to someone enough for them to know him that well, especially when that someone might just mean something to him.  
  
Severus wasn’t certain whether he could tell when it had happened, or how it had happened, he had only known Lupin for about a year after all-... yet so much had changed.  
  
As he left for the Shack, he tried to tell himself that he shouldn’t be hopeful, that nothing would end well; he had to be prepared for the worst, convinced of the worst. He had never had a friend who had been willing to understand, to excuse him making any faults. Lily had never once been understanding with him, she had always been hard on her principles about right and wrong, and there was no room for excuses, no room for circumstances. No matter how he struggled, he still felt a tiny flicker of hope inside of him, a hope for even the slightest possibility that Lupin would be different.  
  
He found the other in the living room of the Shack, making sure to not feel too disappointed in not having been greeted by the trap door, as he had every other time; of course he wouldn’t receive any pleasant welcome.  
  
He stood there, waiting for the sentence to pass, feeling incredibly uncomfortable, but already having made up his mind that he wouldn’t cry.  
  
“...I… Why did you call her that…?” Lupin asked the question straight out, and Severus supposed that was fair.  
  
It was difficult to answer, because he couldn’t trust Lupin with the truth. Potter and Black had been so very keen on hurting him just for deeming that him spending time with people they didn’t like was a sin. At last, he settled with an actual truth, but not the whole context.  
  
“I didn’t… mean it. I didn’t mean to… say that.” It was true to some extent, he hadn’t meant a word of it. It had been a necessary sacrifice.  
  
Then something almost miraculous happened; Lupin looked relieved. The canine side of the boy did make it so evident what he was feeling, most of the time, and having spent almost the whole year getting to know the other, he had learnt well to understand a lot of what the other was showing, emotionally. The spark of hope inside Severus flickered, for just a moment, as it seemed as if Lupin would believe him, that the werewolf might forgive him.  
  
However, Lupin changed the subject; “I… know it’s not my place to speak of… but I don’t think you’re hanging out with a good crowd.”

The flicker of hope died out.  
  
“Oh?” He dryly responded, very quickly, feeling that ugly sense of betrayal again. “And why is that?” He wasn’t even nervous at that point, he was upset.  
  
“I… Your new friends seem to be… Death Eaters. And they are changing you into something you’re not.” Oh. That was rich, absolutely hilarious. He had even believed that Lupin would know him better, or perhaps be more than a bloody imbecile and understand the circumstances, even a little. 

“You don’t know me.” He meant it. He felt incredibly foolish for having ever believed that Lupin actually understood him, when the other saw him lash out in desperation, only to think he had started being fooled into indoctrination, to something as stupid as Death Eater of all things!  
  
“You’re not like that, you aren’t discriminating against people just because of their blood or where they were born.” Lupin was clearly uncomfortable, seeing he was biting his lower lip. “Or you wouldn’t… You would not have helped me.” 

“You mean to say that excluding somebody or berating them for circumstances out of their control is wrong?” 

“Of course it is.”

“...That’s funny, because your friends have been doing that since they first started at Hogwarts.” 

He was angry, and he was justified in his anger. He had believed that Lupin was past this, that he knew better.  
  
“But… I… Thought you were… better than that.”  
  
He couldn’t believe Lupin had stomach to say that. Lupin himself wasn’t better than that! Why was he, Severus Snape, the person people had berated and hurt since the very first few weeks of school, expected to be better than everyone else, even at the cost of his own safety. Why was he supposed to sacrifice for others who would never do the same for him.  
  
“This has nothing to do with being better than anyone else, I’m simply doing what you are doing: hiding behind people who will actually protect me. It doesn’t matter if they are bad people, I will at least be safe from your friends if I stay with them.” 

“But…”

“You did nothing.” The words burned on his tongue as he spoke them, and hadn’t he been so very angry, he would likely have cried, but he did not cry in front of people, it simply wasn’t something he did. He would not cry in front of Lupin, especially not right then. “You stood behind them, as you always have, you didn’t lift a finger to help me, and you ran away so you don’t know that they were the ones who actually managed to get Potter and Black to stop.” 

He wanted to resent the other, he should feel nothing but resentment for how poor of a friend Lupin was, had been, all this time. 

“...I’m...sorry.” Lupin looked so very guilty, and yes, Severus was well aware that the other was sorry, he was just beyond a point of being able to accept an apology, they were beyond that right then. They were silent for a while, and he sighed before he finally answered; 

“That won’t change anything.”  
  
It wouldn’t, it shouldn’t change anything.  
  
“I… know that, but, Snape… Your new friends are Death Eaters! They… people are killed by Death Eaters, nobody is really safe with people like that. You know that, don’t you?” Lupin tried, but Severus only got more annoyed with him, more upset. Death Eaters weren’t different from any other bullies, and Hogwarts students with the same ideals wouldn’t automatically become vicious killers because some psychopath out in wizard society would hurt others based on the same ideal. The idea was so impossibly ignorant, but he didn’t have the energy to argue how stupid he believed that sentiment to be. Perhaps part of him didn’t want to think of the Death Eater as that bad, he couldn’t afford to, after making his choice.  
  
“Black tried to use you to kill me. That makes him just as bad as them. It might even be worse to use an innocent party to perform the deed.”  
  
It was beginning to hurt a lot, he couldn’t anymore look at Lupin. The stupid mutt of a teenager had made him hope, made him experience things he had simply thought was out of reach for him. The anger was starting to fade, and the more it faded, the more it hurt to realise that they had reached the end of the line, that nothing could be said, and that he couldn’t trust someone like Lupin. Lupin’s following words weren’t a surprise, he was already thinking something along the same lines; “...I don’t think… we’ll be able to reach an agreement.”  
  
“Agreed.”

He left.  
  
He had to leave, there was nothing more to say and staying would only result in him showing weakness, or having his resolve waver.  
  
\-----

That evening when he laid down in his bed, he had already cried far enough, alone. Severus had never before known what it felt like to lose someone who was more than a friend, who had somehow sneaked into his heart, and how much forcefully ripping him out again had hurt.  
  
He forced himself to think of something else, and started thinking about the most obvious issue related to it all; he thought about his research. It had all started with Lupin, and now that he was gone, it would become increasingly difficult. Horrifyingly enough, he found it hard to think about the research, as it was so strongly connected to the werewolf he had gotten to know so very intimately.  
  
Being jealous of what others had was one of the most foolish things one could be. He didn’t have time to afford to be jealous of Lily and her relationship, as much as there was a secret, deeply hidden, part of him which felt like he had lost something of the same kind. The world wasn’t kind, nothing would come free to him, and he would take what he could, attain what he wanted, and he would do it all on his own.  
  
With determination, he went to sleep.  
  
With determination unlike anything he had felt previously, he marched into Dumbledore’s office after having requested to see the Headmaster.  
  
With determination, he managed to somehow, distantly, make the man understand that his ties with the werewolf had been severed and that he would need help to get in contact with any other werewolves to complete his research for next year.  
  
With determination, and his previous agreement with Albus Dumbledore, he spent most of the summer fully realising everything he had learnt about lycanthropy onto paper, getting the help he needed to publish the information, getting into contact with the right people. 

With determination that he would absolutely complete his potion, Severus continued his last year at Hogwarts, never once speaking to Lupin, and never once having had to be bothered by his bullies. He only had himself, and his goal.  
  
\-----

Severus hadn’t known joy like the euphoria of finally managing, when he finally got the results back, by Owl, that the potion had worked on a werewolf who had agreed to be subjected to testing it. 

It worked! It actually worked! 

The next month, more of the few werewolves he had gotten contact with reported back that the potion was working, the recipe didn’t even seem to have any immediate drawbacks on them. By then, only a third of his last year at Hogwarts remained. He had found werewolves to work with, only because the extensive research he had done, and published, showing clear proof that he had every intention of helping them. The werewolves had been very reluctant at first, but at least he had established contact with a handful of them, and in all honesty, they were as big of a part of his success as he himself was, even if he couldn’t credit them, as they wouldn’t want to be identified by the public in any way. Lupin had of course also been a big part of it, and had even tried a few potions after they had gone their separate ways the previous year, but Severus quickly found that it was too difficult to work with someone he wouldn’t want to approach. 

He only ever felt a brief impulse once or twice to seek Lupin out to tell him of the news, but quickly quenched said urge. They weren’t friends, they weren’t close, and while it had proven impossible to feel resentment towards the other, he wasn’t willing of getting himself involved again.  
  
Instead, he prepared a stack of the potion, as well-... he wouldn’t want to call it a gift, but at perhaps repayment for Lupin’s assistance in his research. He had decided upon writing a note with it, and after a dosen rejects or so, saying far more than he was comfortable with, he finally found words he was comfortable with: 

_ I completed it. -S _

_ Potion to calm a werewolf’s mind _

_ Description: This option allows an individual infected by Lycanthropy to remain in control of their mind, during the time of the full moon. The transformation will still occur, but the individual will keep their awareness and human brain, allowing them to remain in control of their beastly nature. _

_ Usage: Ingest a full bottle of the potion during the afternoon of the day of the full moon, preferred time around 3 PM or 5 PM, but it can be ingested as late as 9 PM, for slightly less effective results. _

The rest of the letter was simply the ingredients list and instructions on how to make it. 

He posted the package, instead of handing it to Lupin himself. It felt almost silly, but he very much preferred to not risk ripping open a wound that had mostly closed. Besides, he was there, in the Great Hall, when Lupin received the package. He hadn’t particularly tried to be there, not quite, he had definitely not been watching the other for the past day or two, waiting for it to arrive-... no of course not, that would be ridiculously sentimental, and he didn’t like being sentimental.  
  
Yet there he could see the werewolf, reading his note, sitting by the Gryffindor table, with a look on his face that made something within Severus feel warm and satisfactory, that made him feel like he had achieved all that he had wanted to achieve in the first place, and made him feel like he didn’t regret getting to know the werewolf despite everything. 

Just for a moment their eyes met-... and for some ridiculous reason it felt like his breath had been caught in his throat. Suddenly the warm satisfaction seemed rather disturbing to him and he looked away, trying to ignore the feeling altogether, left alone with embarrassing and warm memories of their time together, trying his best to avoid treasuring them dearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ends the Severus POV of Recipe for Sympathy, part of the same story series. It continues into the sequel Recipe for Reconciliation, for those who want to know what happens between Remus Lupin and Severus Snape in the future. If you are interested in continuing, and haven't already, I do recommend reading Recipe for Sympathy first, because it has most of the story context which Severus's story lacks. -Nathan
> 
> Recipe for Circumstance series order:  
Recipe for Sympathy  
Recipe for Resentment ( Severus POV )  
Recipe for Reconciliation ( Sequel )  
Recipe for Regrets ( Sirius POV/epilogue )  
Recipe for Betrayal ( Future extra story )


End file.
